Like eating burgers or chicken or you'll be picking your nose. I'm on time homie that's how it goes.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--If you didn't hit Najeh Davenport's Model Mayhem page before he took it down, it's your loss.

--Apparently I missed Paul's Boutique (best Beasties ever) reissue a couple of months ago to celebrate its 20th anniversary. March 30th Check Your Head gets the reissue treatment. Eventually we get the new album around early May. This one may even have words.

--Andy Samberg has your MTV Movie Awards next time around, if you still watch that sort of thing. I can't even tell you within 50 channels what number MTV is on.

--Is Anna Farris the coolest chick in Hollywood? Yes, yes she is.

--I've been a big fan of the Nolan brothers since Memento turned my world upside down and end to beginning. I had no idea about the black sheep of the family. Or is the term "black sheep" too strong for someone under FBI investigation for bank fraud and is now wanted in Costa Rica for kidnapping and murder? Nah, "black sheep" is probably about right.

--Kenny Powers we hardly knew ye. Nice opening with April's aprils and how Kenny coulda left those behind is beyond me. Strong six episode run and holy crap how does Stevie not get a spin off?

--I know they had trouble putting together enough material for a second season of Conchords and it showed. A deflating finale, but what are ya gonna do when the bar is set so high? The music wasn't nearly as good as last year, but the show itself had more Murray and Dave which was very good. Either way can't wait 'til the show in May.

--We all know someone who slapped a cop's horse's ass (right Hector?), but I haven't seen this particular abuse. In Wichita there was a scene that begs for a video to surface. There was a bachelorette party that included one guy who was a brother of one of the girls. So they were having their fun at 1:30AM and for some reason the guy was the one holding the 5-foot-long inflatable penis. So when the cops came around on horseback the guy thought it would be a good idea to throw the inflatable penis at one of the cop's horses. He was wrong and then he was arrested for suspicion of battery of a law enforcement officer. Then one of the women grabbed a cop's arm. Arrest #2. Then one of the horse's stepped on another woman's foot and of course she smacked the horse upside the head. Arrest # 3.

--Gotta love it when someone calls their shot. For example, in Florida (shocking, I know) Linda Pearce told witnesses she was gonna get in her golf cart and run over this 56-year-old woman to teach her a lesson. It seems Linda didn't appreciate the woman having the audacity to walk in front of Linda's golf cart. We now know Linda is a woman of her word. Not only did she run over the woman and drag her for about 15 yards, but Linda then got out and started cursing at her. Apparently cops, even in Florida, aren't exactly cool with that.

--Writing of calling your own shot we head to Orlando. 'Twas there that Traci found out about her cheating 33-year-old boyfriend, Leoninas, who was having relations with an underage girl. Traci started chasing him down with her car, but was considerate enough to bust off a phone call to 911 saying, "I got an emergency. I need an officer now. There's gonna be a murder." Girlfriend caught up to him near Interstate 4 and SMACK! Boyfriend through the windshield, but the only thing scarier than death was his girlfriend so he got his ass up and started running. Girlfriend then took off after him with a knife with every intention of carving out his heart. Lucky for him the cops got there first.

--The only thing as dangerous as committing an error in golf etiquette is committing an error in bowling etiquette. This one happened out in California. I don't bowl, but from what I gather if one guy is about to bowl in one lane then the bowler in the next lane needs to wait until the first guy rolls or something like that. Basically that's why this fracas broke out. Two groups of people started arguing about who should go first when both guys approached the lane simultaneously. The groups started throwing down and some guy swung his ball at another guy. Somehow only one tooth got knocked out. This is why I get my bowling fix on Silver Strike.

--Anne Hathaway as Judy Garland in a biopic?

--Nothing like minor league promotions regardless of sport. The latest example is the ECHL's (the "H" is for hockey...I assume) Las Vegas Wranglers. This from the group that brought us "Gov. Rod Blagojevich Prison Uniform Night" when the players wore prison stripes. This week the Wranglers are bringing it like a Kenny Powers fastball with an "Over 18 Night." For starters the game won't start until 90 minutes later than usual at 9 o' clock. Those 90 minutes aren't going to be wasted. Naw, they're going to the $20 open bar time. During the game drinks will be 2 for 1. They'll have Mike Relm who has done music for Aqua Teen Hunger Force handling the tunes. Maybe he'll spin some Def Leppard because they'll also offer "Stripper 101," an all-male review, but forget about any nudity (no promo is perfect. see all male review). Oh and it may be dubbed "Over 18" but you can still take the under-18s. Awesome.

--Sticking with the minor league promotions, the monstrosity below is the Fifth Third Burger. It's 5/3 pounds of beef with the usual lettuce and tomato and then we start deviating to sour cream, salsa and chili fritos. It's $20 and if you and you alone finish it you get a, yep, you guessed it. T-shirt. Wanna guess fat and calorie count? We're looking at 4,889 calories and 299 grams of fat, but only 199 of that fat is saturated so it's practically good for you.

--There is no better sports call to hear than Bill Raftery scream, "Onions!"

--You've probably seen this by now, but it's worth another look...


--Anybody else hoping Juliet would "accidentally" drop the baby after finding out it was Ethan?

----Lisa Rinna walking around with a sandwich board on reading shamelessly begging people to honk if they want her on the new Melrose? Ve-ry surprising. Usually she's so quiet, dignified and lets her past work speak for itself.

--My name is Danny Vara and I've gone three weeks without watching an episode of the second season of Breaking Bad. Stupid tournament and Rockets games taking up valuable television time.

--Pringles Extreme flavors? Really, Pringles. Kickin' Cheddar? Blazin' Buffalo Wing? Screamin' Dill Pickle? And why do you prefer an apostrophe to the letter "g"? Either way, nice try but I'm not puttin' up on my Kettle Salt & Pepper chips.

Questions, comments or if you're amazed and a little frightened by the sheer, brute strength of your puppy's farts....