a new year's resolution

well, it's a new year. and i only have one resolution this year.

i will try to get over my self-doubt so i can send my collection to book contests and open reading periods.

isn't this the most stupid and pathetic resolution ever?? it makes me want to throw up. but i need to force myself to get over my self-doubt or i might never send out my collection.

i'm that kind of poet.

insecure, afraid, anxious, apprehensive, choked, diffident, hanging by thread, hesitant, jumpy, on thin ice, questioning, shaky, touch and go, touchy, troubled, unassured, unconfident...

i know you are full of self-doubt too, but your self-doubt doesn't keep you from sending out your collection. i see your name listed as winner, finalist, semi-finalist all the time; my self-doubt doesn't even allow me to send out in the first place.

gawd, this post is making me depressed. and it's a foolish post, too. i know better. i'm always telling other poets to trust their voice, their poems. but here i am. afraid to send out my first collection.

i'm not afraid of rejection. i'm used to rejection. i've applied to colonies, fellowships, and awards and i've been rejected again and again. i can deal with rejection.

i'm starting to think i'm afraid of getting my collection picked up. crazy, no? what's wrong with me!

here's a telling moment: last summer at bread loaf i had a one-on-one with tom sleigh. he began by praising my work and i immediately shut down. yes, you read that correctly: i immediately shut down. i began to nod yes to everything and to scribble in my notebook and to ask some basic questions. in other words: my mind checked out. i can't deal with praise.

what does that say about me? oh gawd.