I'm gonna board your ship and turn it on out

Let's look at some May numbers around what is known as The Major Leagues....yeah, that's right some actual sports crap...

--Lance Berkman hit a ML-best .471 while Chipper checked in at .417. The third highest average belonged to Clint Barmes who you may remember from such seasons as 2005 back when nobody knew what a Tulowitzki was. While we're in 2005 Barmes finished 8th in Rookie of the Year voting while teammates Jeff Francis and Garrett Atkins finished ahead of him. Ryan Howard won it that year beating out that guy the Astros smartly traded for Jason Jennings. Willy something or other.

--Big Puma set club records with 89 total bases and 31 runs scored.

--Florida's Dan Uggla led everyone with 12 May HRs or the same number as Kansas City had as a team. Uggla did strike out a lot. Thirty-three times to be exact, which was the 7th most. Ryan Howard, Mike Cameron (when not killing the Astros) and Justin Upton each struck out 40 times. Writing of the Marlins Luis Gonzalez had a nice month hitting .337 with 17 RBIs and more walks than strikeouts.

--Carlos Lee and Ryan Howard led everyone with 30 RBIs. Josh Hamilton who is on pace for 453 RBIs had 29 as did Alfonso Soriano and Adrian Gonzalez.

--Lance Berkman crossed home plate more often than anyone else doing it 31 times. Yeah, the Phillies scored a lot of runs seeing as in all of baseball only Lance scored more runs than Ryan Howard and Shane Victorino. Phillies averaged 6.03 runs a game, not that surprises you after you saw them destroy Nieve and Borker. As a team the Astros averaged 4.82 runs per scoring the 10th most times. They did have the 6th best OBP, which was nice considering they were 29th in that category in April.

--The Astros led the Majors in steals with 37 while the suddenly runnin' Red Sox had 31. In 2006 and 2007 Boston had season SB totals of 45 and 51 respectively.

--Pitching honors went to the Blue Jays who were tops in ERA (2.91), Ks, saves and batting average against.

--You'll never guess which team allowed the most HRs. Wait, did you say Houston because it was Houston with 45 HRs allowed. The Rangers, White Sox, and A's allowed just 18.

--Jose Valverde, BJ Ryan, and Francisco Rodriguez each had 10 saves. Kerry Wood had 9 and struck out 20 in 16.2 IP.

--Tim Byrdak, Brandon Lyon, Scott Downs and Josh Banks were the only pitchers who didn't allowed an earned run in at least 8 IP.


--Crazy stat that I can't believe is true...Billy Wagner only has 12 saves in which he struck out the side?!

--Probably don't want to piss off this catcher if you're umpiring...


Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Unfortunately the Kiss Cams from around the league never seem to show two chicks in the camera shot. Somehow it's okay to show two guys, granted they're baseball players, but still you want two guys to kiss so why not two girls. Thankfully two female Mariners' fans didn't wait for no stinkin' cam. According to them they were eating garlic fries so the last thing they wanted to do was make out, but they did briefly kiss a couple of times. That caused big, bad security to come a callin'. Lovely Sirbrina Guerrero takes the story from there: "And he (the security guard) goes 'there's a lady whose son says he saw you guys making out, and I did, too. And you have to stop.' And I said 'well, we weren't making out, but we were kissing and I'm not going to stop,' (The security guard said) the mom doesn't want to explain to the kids why two girls are kissing. So I said 'well, I'm not going to stop, so you'll have to kick me out. So he said 'so I suggest you leave then."' C'mon moms you're going to have to have that conversation with your son sometime why not at a baseball game? It's not like they could possibly suck more than Richie Sexson. It's a helluva lot easier explaining to your son why two girls are kissing rather than why the first baseman makes $15 million and hits .200. Anyway, you'll see Sirbrina on the next Shot of Love so we got that going for us.

--Nintendo DS's Tecmo offering...


--Shirley Manson on Sarah Connor Chronicles next season?!
Gotta love Lena.



--Next Tuesday Control comes out on DVD. It's the story of Ian Curtis and Joy Division and I cannot wait!

--Writing of Joy Division the Donnie Darko sequel, S. Darko, has added Elizabeth Berkley to the cast to give it some prestige. This is a horrible, no good, very bad idea.

--Damn The Strangers looks really good and I've yet to hear one person (yes, I've only asked 1 person, but what are you the fact-checker police?) who has seen it say otherwise.

--Our awesome burial request of the week comes to us from Dr. Fredric Baur. The 89-year-old inventor came up with the patented Pringles tube-shaped canister. Naturally he wanted his remains to be buried in a Pringles can. The family split his ashes between a Pringles can and an urn.

--Funerals are always a fun topic so let's stick with it. If you're in Grand Prairie June 3rd make sure you check out the AirHogs game. There's a new funeral home in Irving and the owner says this "promotion is a great opportunity to showcase Irving's newest funeral home." The promotion being one lucky fan will receive a certificate for a free casket with all the trimmings including of course the very important choice of color. Nothing like spending eternity in your least favorite color because your spouse didn't want to shell out a little more jack.

--Megan Fox won a Popcorn so we have to honor that with a pic...


--Your fan of the week comes to us from Detroit, or really Pittsburgh. Zach Smith, 19, is a Red Wings fan so when Detroit scored in Game 4 in Pittsburgh he promptly threw an octopus on the ice. That got him kicked out of the arena with a warning of being arrested if he came back in. Zach was well-prepared as he had previously bought another $300 ticket from a scalper, then he changed into a Red Wings jersey, and walked right back in. I hope he got to sit on the bench for a $300 ticket. Hockey in HD > Hockey in person.

--The "Was That Really on the Bottom Line" headline of the weekend: Robert Horry considering retirement. Ummmm, "considering" seems to be a key word. Come back to me when Robert Horry "will return" or "will retire."

--Elite X (as in XFL) C's first foray into broadcast network land is done and I think national mainstream media types are still bashing away as was to be expected. You either like it or you don't. I do, but I did not particularly care for Saturday night's fights. Gina Carrano and Kaitlin Young was strong, but damn Gina you can't make weight? That and the Robbie Lawler/Scott Smith matches were stopped a little too soon for my tastes especially the men's match. C'mon doctor it's a f'n poke in the eye. If the guy didn't respond correctly it's because he misunderstood the question. That was soooo weak in what was the match I was most looking forward to. As for Kimbo, well you saw it. He wasn't so big, bad, and scary and that horror-show-eared Thompson is about as jobber as a jobber can get. I don't think Kimbo tapped, but probably not wise to be caught in a hold and look like you may be tapping the opponent's leg. Thompson's ear was obviously all jacked up and he would have eventually lost, but another quick stoppage. All in all I hated the production of the show and I think sorry ass Phil Baroni is still making his way to the ring. Less than 10 minutes of actual fighting more than 90 minutes into the show is just inexcusable.

--On the other hand WEC on Sunday night delivered with two fantastic matches to close out the MMA weekend. Miguel Torres and Yoshiro Maeda put on a helluva show. Miguel is a bad, bad, if not light, man. So many kicks and punches from every angle. Great stuff with Miguel closing Yoshiro's eye nearly completely before it was stopped. Urijah Faber lived up to the hype and Jens Pulver showed he has a lot left and why he, until then, had never lost at 145. Five rounds, twenty-five minutes of mostly stand up and just about every second was entertaining. I don't know if I've seen anyone as quick as Urijah in the cage or octagon or whatever. Good stuff WEC, to bad you weren't on CBS a night earlier.

--Rest easy America Fox agreed to pay The Simpsons voice actors $400,000 per episode so next season will go on, it'll just cut two episodes.

--The Two Coreys rejoin us June 22nd with neither Arts nor Entertainment on A&E.

--How exactly are both Leno and Nightline beating Letterman in the ratings? Who watches Leno?

--If you were wondering the answer is Yes, Tatum O'Neal still enjoys crack. Who can blame her? I'm sure eventually enough drugs and she'll forget that she was Michael Jackson's first love. I wish we had the recording when the police went to arrest her and she responded with, "You know who I am right? I'm researching for a part. Can't we just forget about all of this."

--The gay guy on Dawson's will be the bad guy in the My Bloody Valentine remake.

Questions, comments or if you've ever been Experienced...