I put a towel on the floor by the two-inch gap under the door now they can't see me anymore

May Losses Bring What?

The Astros began last month 7 games over .500, but finish it right at the break even mark. We all know the problems. We all know the names of those who should be sent down. We all know the Astros aren’t this bad. We all know the Astros aren’t as good as that 19-9 start. We all knew Roger was coming back. Now we wait to see how the guys fare before Clemens joins them later this month. As of Thursday night the ‘Stros have seven teams in front of them in the wild card standings. It’s not going to be easy. It never is with these guys. First up the Reds who didn’t exactly have a memorable May either. Cincy has won just one of its last six series and lost five of its last seven games. Houston also has the Cubs twice, the Braves and the Royals before King Clemens takes his rightful place back on the throne June 22nd. By then the Astros and their front office had better have shown some signs of life

Let’s look at some of those ugly May numbers for the Astros…We’ll start with the good…Mike Lamb hit .395 with almost as many RBIs (10) as strikeouts (12), which is rare for this team. Eric Bruntlett who has to get more time hit .341. Eric Munson checked in at .393. Preston Wilson at .295 with 15 RBIs, but no HRs. What’s up with that? Morgan Ensberg led the team with 8 HRs and 17 RBIs, but hit just .216. Brad Ausmus came back down to earth at .270. Now the ugly…Adam Everett hit .173. Chris Burke - .129. Jason Lane - .154.
The best May starter was Roy O though he won just one time. Chad Qualls’ 1.72 ERA led the team. Russ Springer and Trever Miller were the only other guys whose ERAs were under 3.10. The four starters not named Roy all had ERAs of 5.29 and above. Ouch.

--Houston’s 5.05 May ERA was only better than Kansas City’s and Milwaukee’s. Only the Royals and Astros allowed more than 40 HRs. Houston hit 22 HRs, which was more than only the Rockies and Cubs.

Sticking with the May theme…

--NL Player of the Month is probably between Ryan Howard, Jason Bay, and Albert Pujols, who might just work out for the Cardinals. Howard hit .284 and led everyone with 13 HRs and tied Bay with 35 RBIs. Bay hit .321 with 12 HRs. Albert ho-hummed his way to 11 HRs, 33 RBIs, a .289 average while scoring the most runs in the NL.

--Barry Bonds can’t even get on fantasy rosters, but was still walked 21 times. That was tied for 5th most in the bigs last month. He was intentionally walked nine times, which topped everybody.

--The Giants stole a ML-low 2 bases while getting thrown out 6 times.

--The Rangers and A’s got zero pinch-hits in 6 and 11 tries, respectively. On the other end of the spectrum the Braves hit .314 (27-86).

Becks

June 22nd not only a big day for Roger Clemens, but Indians reliever Scott Sauerbeck as well. That’s Sauerbeck’s pretrial hearing on charges of obstructing official business and permitting someone intoxicated to drive his car. Happy, happy, joy, joy! This all stemming from some weekend fun between Sauerbeck, his ’66 Lincoln convertible, and a woman who was not his wife. Apparently, Scott was too drunk to drive so he let this woman who was not his wife take the wheel. Always a mistake to move aside for a female driver, particularly when it’s not your wife. So the cops spot the weaving car around 4 in the morning and tried to pull it over. Yeah, right. Scott and the woman who was not his wife pulled into some stranger’s driveway, jumped out, jumped over a fence and of course, hid in the bushes. That lasted for about 45 minutes before the cops found them. Talk about a blown save (cue rimshot). Anyway, the woman who was not his wife was discovered to have a BAC level of .253%. And he thought she could drive? Later Sauerbeck said, “In trying to do the right thing, I made a terrible error in judgment. It’s something I’ve I’m going to have to life with the rest of my life. I’m a big boy, and I’m going to have to deal with it.”
He was asked what exactly that “right thing” was that he was trying to do, but couldn’t get into it for legal reasons. The right thing to do is never easy even more so when you're drunk at 4 AM in a '66 convertible with a woman driver who is not your wife, but can blow a BAC three times greater than the legal limit.

Stayin' Alive

The Pistons have survived to live at least one more day. I can't see them winning Game 6 and yet I think they'll win Game 6. Does that make sense? I'm putting this in before the Mavericks/Suns game, but I'm assuming Dallas will win at home and then Phoenix will take 6 and then it's on for Game 7.

--Was Ben Wallace's block of Shaq the best playoff block of all-time?

--Is it just me or is Dirk Nowitzki a younger version of Northwestern captain Sig Hansen? Of course, I can't find a decent pic, but surely you watch the boys on Deadliest Catch.

--Gilbert Arenas' version in the Washington Post of what went down in his recent South Beach arrest: "I was in a limousine, stuck in really bad traffic going to this restaurant, Ago, when I decided to step out of the car. The limo driver said, 'The guy who just got out is being arrested.' I looked over and saw seven police officers arresting Storey. . . . I didn't have the chance to say anything; an officer put cuffs on me from behind. . . . When I was taken in, I said, 'I don't mean to be rude, but can I talk to the officer who arrested me?' And the officer says, 'You were being nosy.' And I said, 'Are you putting that in your official police report, that I was being nosy?'And then he keeps asking me questions: ‘Do you have tattoos?’ I said, ‘Yes, I have three.’ And then ‘What is your street name?’ I laughed. Of course I laughed. My street name? What? Okay, it's Zero Hero. [Arenas wears "0" on his Wizards jersey.] " 'And he says, 'Oh, everything is funny to you, huh?' "

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Criss Angel or David Blaine?! I’ll take the guy who on his show this week levitated from one rooftop to another as opposed to the guy who likes to play sea monkey on live TV.

--Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey?! Jake Gyllenhaal and Natalie Portman?!

--Final Sopranos of the season this week. That’s good. I’m much more interested in the Entourage/Deadwood combo taking its place.
Our YouTube video of the week comes to us from none other than the man who gave us "hug it out bitch" Ari Gold...

--Michelle Rodriguez was to spend 60 days behind L.A. bars for drunken driving. That ended up being just a little over four hours of hard time because apparently that’s typically the case for non-violent defenders with sentences shorter than 90 days. How come I get the feeling if anyone would be pissed about getting out of jail early it would be her?

--Guy Pearce (Memento, LA Confidential) in The Proposition looks very promising.
If you feel the need to exercise your brain with confusion then Memento is for you.

--Good to see Ashlee Simpson pumping collagen in her lips, which is a sure sign she has no inferiority complex about her sister. Very healthy.

--In two Mondays Gordon Ramsay and his potty mouth return on Hell’s Kitchen.

--Cross your fingers, but Johnny Rico and the rest of the Starship Troopers may be back for a third part. I don’t remember if Denise Richards died in the first one and I don’t care, but she needs to be back for this one.
Ouch, guess she dies.

--I never have and likely never will watch American Idol. Cory Favreau,24, and his mother live in Plattsburgh, New York and do watch Idol. Last week mother commented that Katherine McPhee would have a solid career even though she lost to that gray haired guy. Her son responded by smacking her over the head with a “sharpened, cross-shaped object attached to a bicycle chain.” Moms went to the hospital with a cut on her head, but she’s fine. Sonny-boy is still in jail though mommy doesn’t want to press charges because she says her son didn’t intend to hurt her. Uh-huh.

--Now time for Q & A with Jessica Alba courtesy of USA Today:
Q: You always look awesome. How do you keep those Alba abs?
A: I have a trainer I work out with four days a week to get my body stronger for Fantastic Four 2. And I try to not to eat too much dessert. I like whipped cream a lot. I'll put whipped cream on anything.

--CBS’s Game Show Marathon hosted by Ricki Lake and featuring “stars” such as Kathy Najimy and Lance Bass. Why? Would CBS exist without C.S.I. and all of its spawn?
Best game show game evah!

--In “when it’s your time, it’s your time” news…In Detroit, Oregon Vladimir Gorkavchenko was driving his family in their minivan when it rolled over falling down into a ravine. Miraculously Vladimir, wife, and daughter were fine. Vladimir grabbed a rifle as the trio made their way up to the top. Dad was using it as a brace and of course, it slipped shooting Vladimir in the thumb and probably more importantly in the head. Final destination.

--The senior prank stories continue to roll in and this one may be the best. Parents of seniors at Daniel Hand High in Madison, Wisconsin received letters on official school letterhead regarding a new prom policy. The note lets parents know, "we've decided on a more unproblematic solution when it comes to alcohol and prom. Rather than sneaking beer or liquor in, if parents sign a permission slip, drinks will be served at the dance, with each student allowed eight alcoholic beverages." Sounds reasonable.

--Your “theft sure to be turned into a car commercial” story of the week comes to us from New York. Victor Gardner is alleged to have stolen seven calves from a farm and fitting all seven calves into his 2000 Dodge Neon.

--Congratulations to Dutch pedophiles for creating their very own political party. WTF?! The primary purpose of the party is to lower the age of consent in the Netherlands from 16 to 12. 16 to 12?! Let’s hear from their president, "Forbidding children from sex only makes them more curious. A lot of people are against us and that's not strange but that doesn't worry us very much because we know we also have a lot of support." If by “support” you mean people who want to shoot you then yes, you have a lot of support.

--Those new Jetta commercials are great.

Questions, comments or if you’d like the language of origin and the definition…