I Am a Nighmare-Walkin', Psychopath-Talkin'...

How Is It Possible To Both Suck and Blow At The Same Time?

I guess if we’re looking for positive news, it can’t get any worse. Although I remember saying that after the Giants debacle. This is just pathetic. The hitting stinks, the pitching is worse, the injuries are mounting, the fielding is shoddy, the beer is flat, the peanuts are stale, the weather is steaming hot and the Astros can’t even get no-hit right. C’mon guys what’s the point of getting one measly hit, I’m talking to you Preston. The other guys had no chance, but you’re the hottest thing going. That at-bat in the 8th was time to take one for the team. Time to show them just how feeble they are. Oh well. I know there are 104 games left so plenty of chances to get no-hit, perfected, and swept await. Oh boy!

--That sweep by the Reds was Cincy’s first in Houston since June of ’99 back when Trever Miller’s ERA was around 5.00. Some things never change.

--Houston’s recent pitching call-up, Chris Sampson, led Round Rock in batting average at a ho-hum .522 (12-23) clip. Elsewhere around the Rock…Charlton “Little Preston” Jimerson has played in 54 games and struck out 86 times (Preston “just” 62 Ks in 54 games). Luke Scott is hitting .279 with a team-high 15 HRs. Mike Gallo’s first appearance was a scoreless one!!! In Corpus, Hunter Pence has 16 HRs and 46 RBIs to go along with a .299 average. With those kinds of numbers he’ll find himself in Round Rock come 2010. In Salem, Troy Patton is 1-6 with a 3.93 ERA. He does have 63 strikeouts in 55 innings.

--Half of the Mets’ 34 wins have come by one-run. The Reds have the next most with 13. The Astros and Brewers are tied for 3rd with 11 such wins. Sixteen of Pittsburgh’s 36 losses are by one-run.

--Some how, some way this is the first time the Royals have ever had the #1 pick in the draft. Thankfully they didn’t sentence UH’s Brad Lincoln to a stint in Kansas City. Who drafts catchers in the first round? The Astros? Oh, figures.

--After two homers at new Busch Ken Griffey Jr. has homered in every existing ballpark and 43 overall. Fred McGriff also smacked homers in 43 different parks.

--Baltimore’s Corey Patterson has at least one steal in nine straight games. The last time that happened was when Rickey Henderson did it back in 1986.

--I was fortunate enough to spend a couple of days over the weekend out at Reckling. As is usually the case Rice took care of business. Props to them and major props to Prairie View A&M for giving the Owls a tough test in the Friday opener. It was the Panthers first trip to the NCAA tournament and it won’t be their last. You can’t give head coach Michael Robertson enough credit for the job he’s done in his four seasons there. They are a fun team to watch and led the NCAA in steals with over 200.

And Then There Were Two…

I can’t stand the Heat and by birth, hate Dallas so I have zero rooting interest in this Finals. I’ve been picking against Miami since the Chicago series and I’m not stopping now. I’ll take the Mavs in 7 with Ri-dirk-ulous as the MVP.

--The Mavs have clinched each postseason series on the road.

--The Cavaliers, Clippers, and Nuggets are the only teams who’ve been without a Finals appearance longer than the Mavericks.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--All right, all right, all right…Penelope Cruz and Matthew McConaughey are no more.

--Sur-prise! Sur-prise! The Gulf Coast Broncos added former Denver assistant GM Rick Smith. Jason Elam and Terrell Davis are likely on the way.

--Nobody does a 6-6-06 celebration like Hell, Michigan. Mayor John Colone, "I've got '666' T-shirts and mugs. I'm only ordering 666 (of the items) so once they're gone, that's it. Everyone who comes will get a letter of authenticity saying you've celebrated June 6, 2006, in Hell." Most of the memorabilia or whatever you want to call it will sell for $6.66. Why there aren’t a chain of $6.66 stores around the nation is beyond me. Letter of authenticity?

--A big thank you to Jose Luis Castillo for ruining my Saturday night. Silly me was looking forward to his third fight with Diego Corrales. Of course, I was assuming Castillo would make the weight particularly since he didn’t last time the two tangled. Yeah, I was wrong. Dumbass was not one, not two, but five pounds overweight. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

--I don’t feel bad for celebrities who get hounded by paparazzi 24/7. It comes with the territory of being rich, famous, and beautiful. Those traits are best personified by a former television star that has been the victim of a vicious stalker. I think you know what former phenomenal big leaguer on the field and Emmy deserving star off of it I’m talking about. That’s right. Bob Uecker. The 72-year-old had to get a restraining order against a 45-year-old woman named Ann Ladd. Apparently about six years ago Miss Ladd started sending Ueck letters and staying at the same hotels as him. Nothing too dangerous, but you can’t be too safe when you’re a star in the limelight and everyone wants a piece of you. Last week Uecker was at a hotel pool in Pittsburgh when Miss Ladd approached and asked if she could wave to him. That, my friends, is how you know you’ve made it. When women approach you and ask to wave at you and await your answer. Well, sir, you have been pimped.

--Ant Wars on The Discovery Channel. Wow.

--The next season of The Surreal Life will feature Macho Man and Phil Hellmuth?! That is appointment television.
Rest in Peace Miss Elizabeth.

--A Speed Racer movie by the Wachowski brothers?!

--Your “try not to laugh because people died” story of the week comes to us from Florida. Sara Rytman and Jason Ackerman were apparently low on alcohol and marijuana so the only way to get high was to suck the helium out of the huge promotional balloon in front of some condos. Evidently they sucked a little too much and sudden death is expected to have occurred because the helium displaces the oxygen from the lung tissue when you inhale too much and you go bye-bye.

--Because you need to know…Shakira’s single “Hips Don’t Lie” became the most played pop radio single evah being played 9,657 times last week. That topped the total of Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl,” but you knew that already.

--Rob Zombie is going to direct the next Halloween movie?

--On Sunday I sat out in the bleachers and don’t know which made me laugh more. When one male Rice student asked another what the ‘H’ on the scoreboard stood for (yes, he was serious and you should have heard the discussion regarding sacrifice bunts) or when a bunch of kids were playing baseball handball-style and one 9 or 10 year-old had the audacity to try and take first base when the tennis ball/pitch hit him on the wrist. C’mon little man get back in the box!

--I’m almost embarrassed to admit that until this weekend I had never seen Raging Bull. Fantastic stuff. DeNiro and Pesci were just incredible. Cathy Moriarty and Phil Leotardo (don’t know real name) were superb as well. Apparently Sharon Stone auditioned for the Vicki role. Thankfully Cathy got it. She made 1940’s era swimsuits as good-looking as they could get. Normally I’d toss in a quote from this movie, but I don’t feel like doing heavy editing on all the f-bombs.


--I think I’ve now caught up and seen every NBC Office episode and after each one I think the same thing…’that’s the best episode yet.’ Currently my favorite is when Michael and Jan take Tim Meadows out to Chili’s. Holy crap, that’s some funny stuff.

--If you fear 666 then you have Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia

--Your headline of the week comes to us from the Asbury Park Press: 6 Arrested after Squeegee Brawl. Apparently this all started when two groups of people arrived at a Shell station a little after 2 AM. It was about 10 people throwing down when one of them decided to run. Two idiots ran after him for about a quarter-mile before catching up and then beating him down with a broom and a squeegee. Later the group was dispersed between the hospital and jail. Out-standing!

--How has your life changed over these first 100 Colbert Report shows?

Questions, comments, or if you can tell me under what category of music Gnarls Barkley fits e-mail…