grace: June 2006

Wherever We Go We Bring The Monkey With Us

Having Fun Yet?

I guess there’s nothing really to add about the Astros from what I wrote in Tuesday’s column. They are playing horrific baseball and even at their best they would probably still have lost series to the White Sox and Tigers. At least they won a game. The first place Cardinals couldn’t do it when they ran that gauntlet. I still can’t figure out why the team didn’t put Morgan Ensberg on the DL. Before Roger’s first start Morgan was talking about how he couldn’t make two strong throws in the same inning because of his shoulder. To me that sounds like DL-talk. But Phil’s solution was to keep running him out there to make bad throws and have even worse at-bats. Chris Burke is on fire and what’s Phil’s solution? Take him out of the 3-spot he’s tearing it up in and stick him in the 5-hole? Hopefully that was only a two-game experiment gone horribly wrong. Last season every odd, baffling decision Phil made worked out. This year, not so much.

--Morgan Ensberg in April- .329. May- .216. June- .151.
Brad Ausmus in April- .339. May- .270. June- .149.
There’s still a day left, but let’s wrap up the June good and bad for the ‘Stros…Let’s start with the good and that would be Lance Berkman who hit .352 with 8 HRs and 25 RBIs. He had 31 hits, which is same amount Lane, Ensberg and Ausmus combined for. Chris Burke hit .331 while Preston Wilson checked in at .319. Mike Lamb was solid at .298. The only pitchers whose ERAs were under 3.00 for the month were Roger Clemens and somehow both Trever Miller and Dan Wheeler. Fernando Nieve, Chris Sampson and Roy Oswalt were under 4.00. Everyone else 4.61 and above. Ugly. Wandy Rodriguez was 2-3 with a team-high 6.43 ERA. How’d he win 2?

--Elsewhere in June with two days to go…Joe Mauer is hitting .456. That’s good. Ichiro is hitting .415. Jason Giambi and David Wright each hit 10 HRs. Wright also leads MLB with 29 RBIs. On the pitching side Johan Santana went 5-0 with a 1.05 ERA. He gave up 5 runs and walked 5 guys. He’s good. Somehow, some way Kansas City’s Mark Redman also won 5 games to lead the bigs. He had 5 wins in June to go along with 8 whole strikeouts.

--Jason Lane has been horrible, but what the heck happened to Washington’s Jose Guillen? He’s at .207.

--On Wednesday the AL East beat the NL East 6 games to 0. Ouch.

--The only single-A manager anyone knows, Crazy Joe Mikulik, is likely to face more promotional nights like these on the road. On September 3rd when his team visits Augusta it’ll be “Anger Management Night.” Fans will get “stress balls” and also take part in a base-throwing contest.

--Twins catcher Joe Mauer is hitting .392 and apparently dating 2005 Miss USA Chelsea Cooley.

--Nationals reliever Mike Stanton made his 1,070th appearance the other night tying him for 4th on the all-time list with Hoyt Wilhelm. Jesse Orosco, John Franco and Dennis Eckersley are the only ones with more apps.

That'll Work

As soon as Roy and Foye went I wasn’t too excited to hear what the Rockets were going to do. I’m not a big Gay guy so I didn’t want to go that route. Then word started leaking that it was going to be Rudy Gay and the Rockets were going to send him to the Grizzlies for Shane Battier. Not only that, but Stromile the Lionheart was going back to Memphis as well. Now that’s what I’m talking about. I saw a ton of Rudy Gay last year and the guy was a no-show many a game. I mean if he’s the best player on the best team then I’m sorry it shouldn’t be losing to George Mason or struggling with Albany. Yeah, he’s very gifted, but I’m not sure if he’ll ever make the most of those gifts because his motor and heart were his biggest question marks. That’s not good. The move signals that the Rockets are going for it right now and how can you not like that? Shane Battier’s numbers across the board from points to steals were better than Bruce Bowen’s last season. Who wouldn’t want to add that to their team? Apparently he’s good enough to be one of just 23 players selected to play for Team USA, that’s pretty strong. Battier does what no other Rocket apparently can, he hits open shots. Yeah, if Tracy goes down the team will be hurting for scoring, but look, if Tracy goes down for an extended amount of time the Rockets aren’t going anywhere no matter what. I was also very happy the boys landed Steve Novak in the 2nd round. A 6’10” guy who can shoot? Fan-tastic. I know a lot of fans are upset, but I’m telling you June 28th was a good night for this franchise. Gay has a lot of upside, but I’ll take the solid known you are getting Battier over the upside of a guy who disappears more often than Criss Angel. Now go get Mike James!

--Let’s delve a little deeper into what Shane Battier brings to the Rockets. First off the guy has played at least 78 games in each of his five seasons. Coming to the M.A.S.H. unit known as the Rockets that sounds good. Last season he shot 49% from the field and 39% from the arc. He fills up a stat sheet and does the things that don’t appear in the final box. Oh yeah, he’s also a class act and was the heart and soul of the Grizzlies. Who exactly is the heart and soul of the Rockets?
Let’s jump to ShaneBattier.com to learn more about the former Dukie…His favorite movies?
Big Lebowski and Old School. Anyone want to argue the merits of those flicks? Little surprised he didn’t go with Shane though. If he could have any pet it would be a tiger. What do you think Gay would pick? Favorite subject in school? History. Favorite TV shows? Simpsons and Jeopardy. Funny and smart. Favorite sport to watch? Football. In three words or less what was he like as a kid? Sports, sports, Nintendo. Favorite book? Lonesome Dove. And if he wasn’t a basketball player he’d be a teacher. What’s not to like?

--How ridiculous is it that this trade can’t be officially announced until next month? The NBA needs to fix some things on draft day. Why not let the teams that deal actually make the pick instead of this let the other team make the selection for it stuff? Makes no sense. Also there are five minutes in between picks, but ESPN is running all these interviews and meaningless crap that you might as well just let ESPN announce the picks and not David Stern.

--One of the most important nights for the league was draft night. So where was Knicks owner James Dolan? In a war room with Isiah? At the draft itself? No, he was with his band singing the blues in Atlantic City. Yeah, that’s about right. About as right as Isiah picking some guy named Renaldo Balkman. There were 133 players featured in the NBA’s draft guide and yet Balkman was not one of them. Shocking, absolutely shocking.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Best news of the week…The Raconteurs are beginning the second leg of their U.S. tour right here in Houston on September 14th. Unfortunately I didn’t find out about it until tickets had been on sale for a week, but oh well, bad tickets are still tickets.

--A.J. will make $100,000 for each of the final eight episodes of The Sopranos. I understand Meadow getting paid, but c’mon A.J. couldn’t even take out that mummy Junior. The worst part of the Sopranos season finale was seeing A.J. go from a punk, spoiled kid to a working man with a steady girlfriend who has a little one of her own all in the span of one episode. Whatever.

--We’ll get The Killers new one in mid-September. It means nothing now, but some of the titles are “Why Do I Keep Counting,” “Bones,” “When You Were Young,” “Uncle Johnny Took Cocaine,” “Sam’s Town,” “ Read My Mind” and “Bling.”

--You know I tend to rip on Tennessee a lot and maybe it’s not really fair. Let me show you that not everyone from there is a ‘neck with this nice prom picture from the great state of Tennessee.

--If you haven’t seen the Spider-Man 3 trailer here ya go….

--Tommy Lee kicked Josh Duhamel’s (Las Vegas and Fergie’s man) bee-hind?!

--Apparently the next Ultimate Fighter installment will be termed “Comeback” as it’ll have 16 UFC veterans. Instead of a $100,000 contract the winners will automatically get a title shot. Sounds promising. It just started filming and will begin airing on August 17th.

--Evander Holyfield is fighting again for no apparent reason. At least he’s fighting in Dallas and not Idaho. C’mon Roy Jones, Idaho?!
Evander at his best.

--I’m big on Food Network, but don’t really care for Dave Lieberman’s show. Derek Jeter differs as Dave is his personal chef.

--Some crazy 18-year-old boy decided to take a trip to a Vermont cemetery. Yeah, Nickolas Buckalew decided it would be a good idea to take a saw to the skull of a corpse. Once he found an above ground tomb he did just that and also took the corpse’s eyeglasses and bowtie. What the? Why would he do such a thing? Oh, of course, to make a bong out of the skull. Makes perfect sense right. He was busted and will spend 1 to 7 years in jail.

--The new wedding trend is outfitting your dogs with wedding attire and depending on their sex letting them act as ring bearers or bridesmaids?!

--Remember DJ Quik (“Born and Raised in Compton” and “Tonite”) from back in the day? Evidently he released an album last year. This year he’s spending five months in jail after pulling a gun on his sister during an argument.

--In "the system works" news…Lil Kim is going to be released from a Federal Detention Center on Monday.

--A smellophone?! It would capture odors and then you could “re-smell” them later. I’m sure kids won’t be sending farts to each other. Our nation’s youth is much more mature than that.

--Britney Spears is finally doing a nude magazine spread and she has black hair and is pregnant. Whoopee!

Questions, comments or if you can just make Star Jones simply go away…

Like Fred Flintstone Driving Around On Bald Feet

Going To Get Worse Before It Gets Better

Looks like the Astros picked a bad year to get matched up with the American League Central. Not just the Astros, though, but the Cardinals and Reds as well. I guess that’s why I’m not feeling hopeless about this club. The one team at or above .500 in interleague in Houston’s division is Milwaukee at 6-6. The Cardinals have dropped seven straight against the AL Central including sweeps by the White Sox and Tigers. At least the ‘Stros got a game off the idiot-led Sox. The Reds are 1-5 against the Detroit/Chicago combo. The only division with at least two teams in double-digit interleague wins is the AL Central and it has three such teams with Minnesota joining the other NL-beaters. The Astros have a ton of problems that arise daily. The biggest problem right now is a very unforgiving schedule so the question is not whether or not they’ll lose, but whether or not it will be in spectacular fashion. It’s easy to get angry when the boys lose to the Royals, but losing to the Sox and Tigers is just expected as far as I’m concerned. And yet despite being a game below .500 the Astros are a mere 3.5 back in the wild card. With the exact same record the Mariners are 12 back for the AL wild card. So this is what being in the NBA’s Eastern Conference is like?

--How bad has it gotten for Morgan Ensberg? Well he’s now looking up in batting average at Adam Everett (.246-.244). Morgan is hitting .160 this month. On the bright and sun shiny side Chris Burke, Lance Berkman and Everett are all hitting .340 or above in June.

--Seriously a 9.00 ERA from the ‘Stros bullpen in Roy Oswalt starts? Pathetic. Almost as pathetic as allowing grand slams in three straight games. That was hilarious.

--Zach Miner’s win on Monday was his fourth straight. Fellow rookie Justin Verlander, who the ‘Stros will see on Wednesday, also won four straight earlier this season. They are the first pair of rookies on the same staff to win four straight starts since the ’84 Mets and ’84 Red Sox. New York did it with Dwight Gooden and Ron Darling. Some guy named Roger something or other did it in Boston with Al Nipper.

--Detroit is 37-6 when it scores first.

--How much better is the AL than the NL? Well the Royals are 7-5 in interleague play.

--The Twins have won 15 of their last 17. That’s pretty good. So good, that Minnesota picked a whole ½ game on the White Sox in the standings.

--Jason Bay leads NL outfielders in all-star voting. The last Pirate OF to start the midsummer classic? Not Barry Bonds, but Andy Van Slyke in 1993.

--The Pirates have dropped 11 in a row and now face the White Sox, Tigers and Mets. Good luck with that. The 11 straight L’s are the most the team has suffered in 51 years.

--Mets SS Jose Reyes leads the Majors in June in batting average (.430), runs (28) and steals (14) and also player of the week honors (2). Mets and Red Sox beginning Tuesday night. Wednesday we get Pedro vs. Beckett with Glavine vs. Schilling on Thursday.

--Nice job by the Phillies letting a piece of crap like Brett Myers pitch a day after eyewitnesses saw him punch his wife with a closed fist and drag her by the hair. C’mon Philly, even you are better than that. And c’mon Mrs. Myers there’s no need to go bail your pathetic husband out of jail.

Draft Time

Never has there been a draft with more question marks at the top. I feel like I have a better idea of what to expect from the second rounders than I do the first rounders. Who knows? The only guy I feel totally confident in is Brandon Roy and unless a deal happens the Rockets ain’t getting him. I have no idea what’s going to happen and that’s going to make Wednesday one fun night.

--Maybe Shelden Williams? The former Dukie is just the third player in NCAA history to score at least 1,500 points, grab 1,000 rebounds, have 350 blocks and 150 steals. The other two are Patrick Ewing and Pervis Ellison.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--My hero Kid Notorious himself, Robert Evans, is getting a divorce. If you’re scoring at home this one is # 7. Evans and Lady Victoria White nearly made it a full year.
Evans and Ali.

--If you only watch one reenactment by action figures of the Carbon Freeze Sequence in Empire this week make it this one…

--How great was the season finale of Ultimate Fighter 3? Kendall Grove and Ed Herman absolutely tore it up. Great stuff and I hope to see a lot of both of them in the future. It was slightly more exciting than Calvin Brock on Boxing After Dark.

--San Antonio has overtaken San Diego for 7th among the nation’s most populous cities. Now you know.

--I haven’t watched this week’s episode, but the first two of Deadwood have been out-freakin’-standing. Bullock and Swearengen vs. Hearst?!

--Jay-Z and Beyonce no more?! I don’t believe in anything anymore.

--The Coreys are going to star in a show playing fictionalized versions of themselves a la Curb Your Enthusiasm. This has potential.
Best Coreys collaboration ever.

--Two weeks ago it was the Zombie character. Last week Macho Libre, OH YEEAAHHHH!!!!! This week who knows what ECW will bring…as long as the exhibitionist is still part of the show who cares.

--Entertainment Weekly came out with its list of the top 25 most controversial films ever. Number 25 is Aladdin for some line that apparently offended Arabs, imagine that. 23 is Kids, which was just a little disturbing. Do the Right Thing I thought would be higher than 22. I mean it was more controversial than # 19 Basic Instinct, right? United 93 at 16. The War-ri-ors at 14.
It doesn’t get much better than that. Yawn, The Da Vinci Code at 13. Natural Born Killers at 8. I guess having 12 murders linked to it got this on the list. I thought The Birth of a Nation and The Last Temptation of Christ would make the top five, but they check in at 7 and 6 respectively. JFK at 5 with Deep Throat at 4. Fahrenheit 9/11 at 3.
A Clockwork Orange at 2. Probably going to be in the top five if you were banned in England, home of director Stanley Kubrick, for nearly 27 years. It wasn’t officially available until 2000. And your most controversial movie ever according to EW is…wait for it…Mel Gibson’s Lethal Weapon 4…or Passion of the Christ. One of those.

--Next on Comedy Central’s celebrity roast will be William Shatner. It has yet to be filmed, but will air on August 20th. There's no way this matches Pamela Anderson's right?

--Roger Dier and rats get along fine. The 67-year-old had 1,000 of them in his one bedroom house near San Francisco. For some strange reason neighbors reported him to the police. Dier was cited for animal cruelty. Huh? Did I miss something? We are talking about rats, right? Animal cruelty? 75 of Dier’s little buddies had to be euthanized because they were sick or injured. The remaining 800 to 900 are now up for adoption. Adoption?!?

--Big surprise…ESPN Mobile debuted in February and through May had just 10,000 customers sign up. Maybe because the commercials suck and are shown just as often as Heineken’s “Don’t Cha.” When will technology allow us to video mute those spots when they are shown? By the way, if you sign up for ESPN Mobile you’ll get exclusive analysis of the NBA draft from Steve Lavin so you got that going for you.

--Is there anything more worthless on the ESPN family of channels than paintball championships?

--Gotta love this week’s set of prostitution photos from Saint Paul, Minnesota. The world's oldest profession certainly seems glamorous.

--If for some strange reason you actually want to watch Paris Hilton’s clothes-on video debut then here ya go.

--The Hulkster is selling the home you see on Hogan Knows Best. If you’re interested and have $25 million lying around then I say go for it. Nice to see Eric Bischoff and Wayne from Wonder Years trying to get Hulk to endorse some things such as a grill and energy drink. I’m sure that’ll work out well.

--If you can afford the $40,000 membership and $3,600 annual dues then you can probably shell out $100 for the new burger at the Boca Raton Resort and Club. It’s comprised of American prime beef, Kobe beef and Argentine cattle. The most expensive burger commercially available is the Double Truffle Burger at DB Bistro Moderne in NYC. It will only set you back $120.

Questions, comments or if you once got busy in a Burger King bathroom...

Fall Fashion Trend - Fur Trim

It's time to start looking ahead to our Fall and Winter wardrobes! Even though I sell vintage fashion, I feel its important to study current designer runway trends so I can help you stay stylish while adding unique vintage pieces to your closet.

Designers have been showing lots of fur coats in the last two years. While fur is still hot, we're seeing alot more fur used just as trim this year. Coats, jackets, capes, and suits are adorned with exotic fur at the collar, sleeve cuffs, front openings, and hems.

Here are a few vintage pieces from my store that will keep you "in style" this fall.

A gorgeous late 1950's Lilli Ann coat in pink mohair with a silver fox fur collar. Did I mention it's PINK?

A striking late 1960's grey tweed coat with raccoon fur trim at the hem.

A glamourous 1970's black leather trench coat with fox fur collar.

A sophisticated 1950's salt 'n pepper tweed suit with black mouton fur collar and cuffs.

See these items and more at Couture Allure Vintage Fashion .

Like Sam the Butcher Bringin' Alice the Meat

Yeah, That’s About Right

The Royals came into the weekend at Minute Maid with the worst record in the Majors and leaves with the worst despite taking two of three from your Houston Astros. What the ___ was that?! How do you drop two out of three to a team whose three starters had combined for all of one freakin’ win? Scott Elarton going for perfection? Are you kidding me? Brandon Duckworth made it past three innings? How does this happen? I don’t want to hear about how those guys are pros too and they get paid and any given day and blah, blah, blah. You want to be in this wild card race, you want to get to the unfinished business in the World Series then try taking two out of three against the worst team in the entire freakin’ league! Inexcusable. Now the Twins come in as winners in seven straight Great.

--It’s not even the end of June and Andy Pettitte has already allowed as many home runs (17) as he did in all of last season. The most he’s ever given up is 23 back with the Yankees in ’96.

--Preston Wilson has hit 6 of his 7 homers at home where average-wise he’s hitting .220. On the road he’s hitting .352. He also has nearly twice as many strikeouts at Minute Maid.

--Bradley David Ausmus hit .339 in April, .270 in May, and is now at just .239 in June.

--Brad Lidge walked 11 guys in April when his ERA was 6.39. He walked 8 in May when it was 4.15. In June his ERA is 2.57, he’s 4-4 in save opportunities and he’s walked 1, 2, 3, zero batters. Lefties are hitting .283 against him while righties are at .190.

--For what it’s worth (and it ain’t much), but ESPN has the Astros ranked 21st in RPI. They also have played the second-easiest schedule (Cardinals=easiest).

--The latest NL All Star voting numbers are out and no Astro leads at any position. The closest is Craig Biggio who is 150,000 votes shy of Chase Utley. Willy Taveras is only about 180,000 votes short of Barry Bonds who is in 9th. The Mets have four leaders in Jose Reyes, David Wright, Paul Lo Duca and Carlos Beltran.

--San Francisco’s Matt Cain had 7.2 innings of no-hit ball Monday against the Angels. The last no-no was Randy Johnson’s in 2004. That was more than 5,300 games ago and is the longest drought in major league history.

Basketball Jones

Entourage was the perfect cherry to the Game 6 Sundae/ay. What a fantastic game and what a horrible ending. Not that I care if Dallas wins or loses, but having the referees go World Cup at the end took away some of the luster from the classic. Dwyane Wade was not fouled in any way, shape, or form at the end of the game. Ridiculous. And what about that backcourt violation?! The timeout thing was just silly. Josh Howard and Avery Johnson screwed up big-time, but I’ve seen refs grant timeouts and take them back in regular season games before, but not in an overtime Game 6 of the NBA Finals?! Whatever. I don’t care who wins, I just want great games whose outcomes aren’t overly influenced by the referees. I had Mavericks in 7 and see no reason why they still won’t win in 7, well unless Jerry Stackhouse gets another undue red card.

--Dwyane Wade was 21-25 from the foul line in Game 5. Who else was 21-25? The entire Mavericks team. Dwyane is special, but 25 free throws? The 21 makes broke Bob Pettit’s record of 19 back in the ’58 Finals.

--Miami went 10-1 at home during this postseason.

--If the Heat win then it would be the fourth time that both the NCAA and NBA champion would come from the same state. The last time it happened? Back in 1989 Michigan won the tourney and the Pistons the Finals. California did it twice with UCLA pairing up with the Lakers in ’72 and then Golden State in ’75.

--It’s been since 1979 when the Pirates beat the Orioles in Baltimore that a Game 7 in the World Series, NBA Finals, or Stanley Cup Finals has been won by the road team.

--Thanks to the expert sideline reporting from ABC we now know that Darrell Armstrong’s nickname is "Black College."

--It must be fun to be a part of the Denver media, which gets the pleasure of talking to and about Kenyon Martin. The Denver Post with this quote from a Nugget, "Kenyon was not playing a lot but was in the locker room encouraging guys to 'get tough, get ready.' We were listening and thinking of a guy who was out partying last night, on his feet, but does not practice and play. There is the perception that Kenyon does not want to be a professional. Are you really hurt? Kenyon is obnoxious, ignorant, boisterous."
So what is Kenyon going to take offense to in that quote? Kenyon: “You ask the people I go out with. When I do go out, I have a table reserved when I go and find me a seat. I don't like people bothering me. I find a seat. Me being on my feet? It was not like I was always in the middle of the dance floor all night. I don't run the clubs, but when I did go it was just to blow off steam."

Play Ball

Thank you to The Daily Show for bringing to light the unfortunate circumstances surrounding the Congressional Softball League. For 37 years it stood for all that was right about softball…slow pitches, aluminum bats, beer, making fun of guys who can’t swing, beer, running the bases while humming “One Shining Moment”, beer. Sadly this year a group of Republican teams decided they had it with the pansy ways of the Democratic commissioner. So what do you do when you don’t like the commish? That’s right, you pull your teams out and start up your own league. There were 190 teams total, but the Republicans got 110 teams to join their new league presumably called Bush League. The old league run by Democrat Gary Caruso didn’t have any real format for the end-of-year tournament, allowing the best teams to face each other early. New commissioner Anthony Reed, "What's the regular season for? It's very irritating to teams like ours who are 12-0." Very irritating indeed. I mean these guys work so hard, so long, for so little pay so that our country may run as flawlessly as it does. If we can’t get the basic ideal of fun always, always being second to winning then what chance do we have as a country? For taking itself so seriously you’d think that the leagues would at least have actual umpires calling balls and strikes. Then again I guess that’s par for the course. How can you run agree on how best to run a country if you can’t agree on how best to run your softball league? Shouldn’t that be on some sort of entry exam or something?

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--C’mon UsandA, beat Ghana. Go Italy, Beat Czech Republic. Is Kazakhstan still playing? How priceless would Borat’s tour of the World Cup be?

--How strong was that rebound by Entourage from the premiere to show number 2? I could watch Johnny Drama swan dive, cup and all, into the pool all day long.
Remember when Johnny Drama played John Densmore in The Doors?

--If you feel confident that you’ll be able to sleep tonight without any problems even if you watch Connie Chung sing “Thanks for the Memories” then click, I dare you.

--The Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland is going to have some new characters from the movie and just in time for the sequel. I had no idea that they first changed the ride nine years ago. Apparently in these politically correct times Disney felt the need to change from the pirates chasing women to pirates chasing food. Whatever.

--The next GOOD Music artist to knock it outta the park is going to be former Diddy butler Fonzworth Bentley according to Kanye. Bentley’s debut album is titled “CoolOutrageousLoversOfUniquelyRawStyle” or “C.O.L.O.U.R.S.” It drops in September.

--People named Taylor Hicks its hottest bachelor in the country. Yeah, everyone’s buying that.

--Your dumbass cop of the week comes to us from Clearwater, Florida. Clearwater Police Officer Nicholas Brems approached his wife (tactfully I’m sure) and coolly asked what the chances were of them two getting it on with other couples. She said no and he began pounding her head into the wall. Some real cops came and Brems got to enjoy the inside of a jail cell. I know this may shock you, but apparently Brems reeked of alcohol.

--Fantastic fight between Winky Wright and Jermain Taylor that ended in a draw. Nobody likes ties or draws, but if there ever was a fight deserving of a draw it was that one.

--If you’re looking for a fun sequel to rent, here are some outstanding options: Like Mike 2: Streetball, Hollow Man II, Dr. Dolittle 3, or Cheaper By The Dozen 2 featuring Eugene Levy who really needs to learn just how to say no.

--The Drug Years has been running on VH-1 and Sundance. It’s an interesting decade by decade look at, well, drugs.

--Seen any of the new Simple Life? Me neither, but if I did then it was probably pretty sad to see this Pakistani family ask Paris and Nicole (separately) why they don’t like each other anymore. That’s probably what I would have seen.
Back in the day when Nicole weighed more than the dress she was wearing.

--Because you need to know…There are now more than 8.7 million millionaires worldwide.

Questions, comments, or if you’ve recently discovered the magic of mashed potato cakes…

Break to Your Crib, Change Your Clothes Once More, 'Cause You're Invited to a Barbecue That's Starting at 4

You Don’t Want None Of This

Nice job by the hometown team coming up with three straight road wins for the first time this season. Those wins in some part because of the Astros, but in larger part due to the Cubs simply sucking. The suckfest continues with the Royals coming into town. Kansas City is the only team, which is still shy of the 20-win mark. It also has all of 7 wins in 36 games away from home. No one has given up more runs and no one has scored fewer. They’ve used 12 different starters this year. If that still doesn’t tell you how horrible the Royals are then how about this? They will have Scott Elarton and Brandon Duckworth starting this weekend. Elarton has allowed 6 HRs in his last three starts. You almost feel bad about this upcoming sweep. Almost.

--Greg Maddux hadn’t lost at home this season until the Astros took care of bidness. Maddux is 3rd on the all-time win list versus the Astros. He’s beaten them 26 times. Number 2 on that list is Bob Gibson who beat Houston 29 times. Who’s # 1? John Smoltz? Fernando Valenzuela? Floyd Youmans? No, none other than Steve Carlton who beat the ‘Stros 33 times.

--Albert Pujols’ stint on the DL has given a certain outfielder the chance to pass him up on the hit list since 2001. Ichiro has the most hits since that time. Now in the 2nd spot on that list is former Marlin, current Cub Juan Pierre.

--The most heart-warming story of the week comes to us from philanthropist and sometimes Dodgers pitcher Odalis Perez. Like many athletes Odalis set up disadvantaged youths with free tickets for games. He’s number 45 and that’s how many tickets he made available, well until L.A. pulled him from the rotation. He gets pulled and the tickets go with him. Sorry kids, but I suck (4-2, 6.90 ERA) and so you must pay after all I’m only making $8.75 million this year. L.A. isn’t good and so had to put him back in the rotation. So “O’s 45” was back in business, right? Wrong. Why? Odalis with the quote of the year, "When you spend your own money you want to be recognized for that. I don't want to be a hero, but just pay more attention to what I'm doing. People don't want to give me recognition for it.”
Consider yourself recognized, jerk.

--Carl Crawford’s name keeps getting mentioned in trade rumors. Not that this shouldn’t happen anyway, but Bud should step in and contract that franchise immediately if it trades Crawford.

--Way back in the day when I would sit at games and fill out ballot after ballot for the All-Star Game I would write in Joel Youngblood’s name because he went to high school with my parents. Sadly Youngblood never made it although he is the only Major Leaguer to play with two different teams on the same day and was voted Most Handsome Junior.
Anyway, Pittsburgh’s Freddy Sanchez has more write-in votes, 123,768, than anyone else thus far.

--And here I thought Houston’s 5-5 homestand was bad. Arizona went 1-9 on its recent 10-game stand.

--Not only have the Mets won 8 straight, but they’ve also led by at least four runs in each of those games.

2-2

I’ve been leaving the Heat for dead since they opened against the Bulls. So the last two games have surprised the hell out of me. What kind of numbers would Dwyane Wade be putting up if he wasn’t hurt? The guy is just sick. Paging Dirk Nowitzki. We’ll see what happens on Sunday, but how can you not think Miami will win that one? I started with Mavericks in 7 and sadly still think I’ll be right.

--Not surprisingly Dirk’s 2 made field goals were his fewest this season. Dallas’ 7 points in the 4th were the fewest any team has scored in any quarter in any Finals.

--Obviously Shaq is terrifyingly bad from the free throw line. For the Finals he’s 11-32 for 34%, but he’s got company in Miami with Udonis Haslem just 2 of 6 and both Antoine Walker and Shandon Anderson 0-2. As a team the Heat is shooting 58% to the Mavs’ 77%.

--Dallas has three key cogs shooting under 40%…Dirk- 36%, Jerry- 35%, and Josh- 38%.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--What kinds of rewards did you get from your parents for not acting a fool? Candy? Toys? Pizza? Marijuana? Some puffin’ parents in Arizona are in trouble after smoking some of Arizona’s finest with their 11 and 12-year-old sons. The parents were arrested and face child enhancement…err, endangerment charges.

--I hope we see more of Jimmy Woods and Johnny Drama. Not to mention Jimmy Woods’ arm ornament.
Not a great season opener, but it’s just nice to have the boys back. Zach Braff and Mandy Moore are no more. Coincidence this comes the same week as Mandy and Vince’s Aqua-Man?

--Seriously another Garfield movie?! For the love of Jennifer Hewitt why???

--Another week, another senior prank that doesn’t include dropping baby chicks off a second floor balcony, so that’s nice. A group of seniors at Pleasant Hill High in Oregon decided to go to school in style…on riding mowers. Let’s hear from Kodi with a ‘k’ and an ‘i’, "We wanted to make people wait. We were trying to teach them a lesson -- not to hurry." The mower train slowed traffic on a highway to 10 MPH. I’m sure drivers were amused.

--Jessica Simpson and Jared Leto?! I know I’ve mentioned this before, but Leto’s Requiem for a Dream is the best movie I absolutely refuse to watch again.

--I watched the exciting, thrilling, punch a second bout between Antonio Tarver and Bernard Hopkins. B-Hop won. Congratulations and even though it’s boxing I think Bernard is actually going to stay retired. That’s a good thing.

--I finally got around to watching the Sopranos season finale. Oh boy! Thankfully Deadwood is back and the first episode of that beat any episode of the Sopranos this year.

--ECW has its “own” show on Sci-Fi channel on Tuesday nights. The two highlights for me were this incredibly hot blonde doing some sort of striptease which was totally out of place and totally fine with me. The other highlight was the introduction of a zombie wrestler who grabbed the mic and moaned and groaned a bit before getting squashed. Please give the zombie character a push. If zombies can’t get a push in wrestling then where can they? Besides shouldn’t we try to make friends with the undead since at some point they will take over the world?
They just want a chance at the title....and brains. Is that so wrong?

--Anytime you want to start playing futbol is fine with me, U.S.A. That was freakin’ pathetic against the Czechs.

--Orlando Bloom and Claire Danes?! Kate Bosworth/Lois Lane to the curb?
Jimmy, Super and Lois.

--Jermain Taylor and Winky Wright on Saturday in an intriguing, fascinating, and more importantly free fight on HBO.

--Weird Al is back with “You’re Pitiful,” and I think you know what song that’s mocking.

--Usually I have complete confidence in polls, but one in Esquire claims that American men if inviting male guests would most like to have dinner with Jack Bauer? Mario Batali? Barry Bonds? no. Checking in at number 1 was Jay freakin’ Leno. Huh? He’s followed by Dubya, Bill Clinton and George Clooney.

--Not that you will or have watched, but the last couple of Stanley Cup games have been great. Before the last game in Edmonton this guy who I guess always does the anthems first did ours, which was nice. Then he sings the first stanza of “O Canada” and then holds the microphone up to the crowd and lets them sing the rest. It was loud, proud, and the coolest thing I’ve seen in a long time.

--The National Father’s Day Council has declared LL Cool J the Father of the Year. Now you know.

--Cher calls C-Span and is a friend of Lou Dobbs?!

--If you’re looking for a golf tournament and to support a good cause…The Frank Ozuna III Memorial Golf Tournament comes your way June 25th at Battleground in Deer Park. Mr. Ozuna passed away in early May after a head-on collision in which the other driver came across the center line. He left a wife, 14-year-old son, and 10-year-old daughter who is still in a wheelchair. For reservations please contact Ricardo Palomo at 281-282-9185. Thank you.

Questions, comments, or if your fantasy World Cup team needs a kick in the buttocks…

Rico Suave

I'm tired/lazy from filling in for Jeremy on the morning flashes so nothing new until Friday. But I do have my bio that I had to create for my last boxing trip. So uhh, you got that going for you.....

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself, My Name Is...

--Born and raised in Houston from Dobie High School, home of the best “Burrito Friday” in Texas public schools to the University of Houston, which has this running gag with Danny where they send requests for alumni donations and he then rolls on the floor in laughter.

--Interned at Sports Radio 610 while it was starting to form its identity as Houston’s best sports talk station and so impressed management with how he answered the phones and typed at the same time (it’s a gift) that they hired him soon afterwards.

--Since being hired at 610 Danny has done it all from promotions to producing to engineering to reporting to blogging to show hosting to simply being a shoulder to cry on.

--For the past three years Danny has entertained Sports Radio 610’s audience with Sports Saturday and also on the aptly named SportsRadio610.com web site with “Danny V’s Diatribes.” The Diatribes (dannysdiatribe.blogspot.com) include quick sports takes and also random thoughts on pop culture and among other things the vending machine at the station (beef jerky?). Danny’s online audience includes Teri Hatcher’s oversensitive lawyers who threatened a lawsuit.

--Danny has covered all of the great events the city of Houston has hosted lately including the Super Bowl, World Series and the NBA All-Star Game. He has also appeared on NBA tv to discuss the Rockets, The Maury Povich Show, Dateline, and The Morton Downey Jr. Show to discuss, well, things other than the Rockets.

--Danny does not believe in MySpace.com or that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, but does believe in the power of red wine,
The History Channel, good extra virgin olive oil, Lucha Libre, Molto Mario, both versions of The Office, outlet stores, the value of a dollar (radio makes you appreciate that), Ali G, Reggie Bush, Mexican beer,
that a fried egg makes everything better, the sweet science, U2, Shipley’s over Krispy Kreme, the smell of napalm in the morning,

parmesan reggiano is the undisputed king of cheeses, Tabasco on everything,
strong starting pitching, athletes trying to rap, Jessica Alba’s acting skills, sarcasm, opening presents on Christmas Day, not Christmas Eve, Pink Floyd laser light shows, Stephen Colbert, and obviously run-on sentences.

Lookin' for a girl, I ran into a guy, his name was MCA. I said 'Howdy,' he said 'Hi.'

Baby Steps

It may not be pretty or dominating, but a win is a win is a win and the Astros have three straight. Hard to get a series win when you only score five runs in three games, but that’s how bad the Cubs are. The Braves aren’t much better apparently. Ugly wins count as much as pretty ones and if the ‘Stros are going to do something before Roger Clemens arrives and while Roy Oswalt is on the DL it isn’t going to be awe inspiring. And that’s okay it just needs to end up under the W column.

--Lance Berkman has overtaken Brad Ausmus for the team lead in batting average. Big Puma is at .308 tied for 16th best while Bad Brad is 30th in the NL at .296. Of course, household name Pirate Freddy Sanchez leads the NL at .349. Joe Mauer’s .379 leads the AL followed by Ichiro’s .362. In June Ichiro is 19-33 (.576)

--Houston’s team average of .254 is the same as the Cubs and better only than the Padres’ .253 in the NL. Surprisingly the ‘Stros are only 8th in most strikeouts in the NL.

--This weekend Octavio Dotel begins rehab assignments in the Yankees’ minor league system.

--You probably need to know what Livan Hernandez thinks about the World Cup: "I think the Brazilian team is too strong everywhere. The defense and the people that play up front are too fast for the other teams. The other teams better play good defense because Brazil can run. The only thing they do in Brazil is play soccer."
I completely agree and Ronaldhino will be named MVP or MOP or whatever their term is for it.

--The whole Jason Grimsley federal investigation has been fun to follow. Nice of the federal investigators to try and make Barry Bonds a sympathetic figure by their witch-hunt. Former big leaguer Jim Leyritz told Opie and Anthony about one particular day he tried some amphetamines/greenies: "I can remember my first amphetamine. I was out all night drinking with Andy Hawkins and some of the guys on the team. I was a young player. I came in. I was hung over, sleeping by my locker. And all of a sudden, [Don] Mattingly came to me and said, 'Hey, you're in the lineup.' And I went, 'What?' He goes, 'Yeah, I just hurt my back.' "Now I'm walking around, I'm going, 'I don't know how I'm going to do this. There's no way that I can go play this game today.' I ran into my teammate who I knew had some of the 'little helpers,' as they called them. "He said, 'Take one of these. It should help. It'll take the edge off.' "So sure enough, I took one. He goes, 'OK, you can take two, but no more than two.' So I popped one more, and I went out and went 3-for-4 with two homers."
Now we know how Brad Ausmus homered the other night.

Inevitable

Sadly Dallas is going to be a championship city this year. Dirk Nowitzki and Josh Howard were awful and the Mavericks still pulled away late. Probably not going to be easy for Miami if it can’t do better than that NBA Finals worst ever 7-19 (37%) performance from the line. Shaq probably needs to go for two or maybe even three made free throws a game. Probably going to need more than 3 fourth quarter points from Dwyane Wade. Probably can’t let Antoine Walker jack it up 19 times or Gary Payton jack it up at all. It’s only one game, but it’s clear the West is the best.

Pop Muzik

British music magazine “Mojo” came out with a list of the 101 best Beatles songs. Looking at the top 10 we start backwards with “A Hard Days Night.” At 9 we find “Penny Lane”. At 8 we get “Happiness is a Warm Gun.” I absolutely love that this song is in the top 10. Ever hear U2’s version? “Something” is at 7 preceded by “In My Life.” “She Loves You” is at 5. At 4 we get “Tomorrow Never Knows.” “Yesterday” comes in at number 3. “Strawberry Fields Forever” at 2 with the best Beatles song of all-time being
I have no problem with that as # 1 whatsoever. I probably would have found room for “Come Together,” “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da,” and “Help” but that’s just me. Oh also, “Revolution # 9.” How can you leave that out? Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, did I mention Number 9?

--Fifteen wonderful years ago this week Extreme’s “More Than Words” hit # 1 on the pop singles chart. Oh the memories. Also 15 years ago Jane’s Addiction’s “Nothing’s Shocking” was certified Gold. Oh the memories.

--The Gin Blossoms are back?! That could be good. First Menudo and now Gin Blossoms. Don’t call it a comeback…

--It was a pretty boring MTV Movie Awards with the notable exceptions of Jim Carrey, Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, and Gnarls Barkley. If you haven’t heard Gnarls, you will, particularly when the Best New Artist Award gets handed out at the Grammys. Jessica Alba was fantastic to look at, but that was some horrible joke telling though the jokes weren’t helping.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--After four bewildering years Ryan Reynolds and Alanis Morisette are apparently no more.

--Not that you need to be reminded, but Entourage and Deadwood start up Sunday.
'E' or Kevin Connolly and his girl Nicky Hilton.

--It was redneck night on Leno the other day. He had those always-hilarious Blue Collar Comedy Tour guys. Wow, that stuff never gets old. Oh that Larry the Cable Guy, fun-ny, fun-ny, fun-ny. The highlight of the night was David Lee Roth “performing” Van Halen’s “Jump” bluegrass style. This, ladies and gentleman, is why God invented YouTube.

--Alien vs. Predator 2?! Someone has waaaaay too much money.

--Your DrudgeReport headline of the week just in time for the World Cup….Study: Blisters from new football boots linked to toxic shock syndrome.
That doesn’t sound good.

--I’ve never had it and likely never will and certainly not in Chicago where the city council has banned foie gras.

--I know you are all wondering what Nacho Libre’s finisher is going to be. He told Sports Illustrated, "The Wind of A Lion is basically a submission hold. You get the guy down, you sit on his face and then you release the lion's wind. That usually spells complete defeat."

--Your dumbass criminal of the week comes to us from that most scandalous of states…Iowa. Mommy Elaine Baker was in Clay County Jail and obviously wanted to get out. So she got on a prison phone, called her 18-year-old son, and asked him to get the pot out of the fridge and sell it (pot-sicles?). For some reason she didn’t think that her phone call might be monitored so that got her son arrested and her another count of possession with intent to deliver. Nice job.

--Stephanie from Full House (Jodie Sweetin) is hosting a new show on Fuse. It’s probably one of those shows that you can’t tell what they’re about from the title alone. Or maybe not. Her show is titled, Pants-Off Dance-Off. Basically people of all ages strip to their favorite music video. I guess still no reason to watch Fuse, well except for those 100% shows, which are pretty solid.
The former Stephanie Tanner.

--Some of the new cast of the next Dancing With The Stars includes Vivica A. Fox, A.C. Slater, and Harry Hamlin who is married to the Joker who some refer to as Lisa Rinna.

--The best news I’ve heard all week may be that The Shield has been given a seventh season. It was originally set to end after the next batch of shows. So now it’ll end late 2007 or early 2008.

--The following letter is why Dear Abby is a must-read every morning.
Dear Abby:
I have reason to believe that a young man in my family may be gay ( he is 15).
I have been thinking a lot about it lately, and have been wondering if circumcision would cure it. What do you think?
Grandmother
in Missouri

--Because you absolutely need to know the loss of natural teeth state rankings…Checking in at first or worst is…wait for it…West Virginia. Obviously then Kentucky is # 2. 42.8% of West Virginians ages 65 and older have had all of their natural teeth extracted (by one way or another). You’ll never believe what states round out the top five. Tennessee, Alabama, and Louisiana. Absolutely shocking. Texas and New York come in tied for 41st at 16.8%. Now you know.

--Your high school prank of the week comes to us from Clio, Michigan. A couple of seniors grabbed their diplomas from their principal and then, well let’s let principal Keith Smith explain what happened, "They came over to shake my hand," he said. "As they were shaking my hand they reached around grabbed my butt and started rubbing it." Yeah, the principal with the great sense of humor talked to the police about it and wants the students to be charged with fourth degree criminal sexual conduct.

Questions, comments, or if like Stephen Colbert you don’t trust sports in which the U.S. women’s team is better than the men’s…

I Am a Nighmare-Walkin', Psychopath-Talkin'...

How Is It Possible To Both Suck and Blow At The Same Time?

I guess if we’re looking for positive news, it can’t get any worse. Although I remember saying that after the Giants debacle. This is just pathetic. The hitting stinks, the pitching is worse, the injuries are mounting, the fielding is shoddy, the beer is flat, the peanuts are stale, the weather is steaming hot and the Astros can’t even get no-hit right. C’mon guys what’s the point of getting one measly hit, I’m talking to you Preston. The other guys had no chance, but you’re the hottest thing going. That at-bat in the 8th was time to take one for the team. Time to show them just how feeble they are. Oh well. I know there are 104 games left so plenty of chances to get no-hit, perfected, and swept await. Oh boy!

--That sweep by the Reds was Cincy’s first in Houston since June of ’99 back when Trever Miller’s ERA was around 5.00. Some things never change.

--Houston’s recent pitching call-up, Chris Sampson, led Round Rock in batting average at a ho-hum .522 (12-23) clip. Elsewhere around the Rock…Charlton “Little Preston” Jimerson has played in 54 games and struck out 86 times (Preston “just” 62 Ks in 54 games). Luke Scott is hitting .279 with a team-high 15 HRs. Mike Gallo’s first appearance was a scoreless one!!! In Corpus, Hunter Pence has 16 HRs and 46 RBIs to go along with a .299 average. With those kinds of numbers he’ll find himself in Round Rock come 2010. In Salem, Troy Patton is 1-6 with a 3.93 ERA. He does have 63 strikeouts in 55 innings.

--Half of the Mets’ 34 wins have come by one-run. The Reds have the next most with 13. The Astros and Brewers are tied for 3rd with 11 such wins. Sixteen of Pittsburgh’s 36 losses are by one-run.

--Some how, some way this is the first time the Royals have ever had the #1 pick in the draft. Thankfully they didn’t sentence UH’s Brad Lincoln to a stint in Kansas City. Who drafts catchers in the first round? The Astros? Oh, figures.

--After two homers at new Busch Ken Griffey Jr. has homered in every existing ballpark and 43 overall. Fred McGriff also smacked homers in 43 different parks.

--Baltimore’s Corey Patterson has at least one steal in nine straight games. The last time that happened was when Rickey Henderson did it back in 1986.

--I was fortunate enough to spend a couple of days over the weekend out at Reckling. As is usually the case Rice took care of business. Props to them and major props to Prairie View A&M for giving the Owls a tough test in the Friday opener. It was the Panthers first trip to the NCAA tournament and it won’t be their last. You can’t give head coach Michael Robertson enough credit for the job he’s done in his four seasons there. They are a fun team to watch and led the NCAA in steals with over 200.

And Then There Were Two…

I can’t stand the Heat and by birth, hate Dallas so I have zero rooting interest in this Finals. I’ve been picking against Miami since the Chicago series and I’m not stopping now. I’ll take the Mavs in 7 with Ri-dirk-ulous as the MVP.

--The Mavs have clinched each postseason series on the road.

--The Cavaliers, Clippers, and Nuggets are the only teams who’ve been without a Finals appearance longer than the Mavericks.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--All right, all right, all right…Penelope Cruz and Matthew McConaughey are no more.

--Sur-prise! Sur-prise! The Gulf Coast Broncos added former Denver assistant GM Rick Smith. Jason Elam and Terrell Davis are likely on the way.

--Nobody does a 6-6-06 celebration like Hell, Michigan. Mayor John Colone, "I've got '666' T-shirts and mugs. I'm only ordering 666 (of the items) so once they're gone, that's it. Everyone who comes will get a letter of authenticity saying you've celebrated June 6, 2006, in Hell." Most of the memorabilia or whatever you want to call it will sell for $6.66. Why there aren’t a chain of $6.66 stores around the nation is beyond me. Letter of authenticity?

--A big thank you to Jose Luis Castillo for ruining my Saturday night. Silly me was looking forward to his third fight with Diego Corrales. Of course, I was assuming Castillo would make the weight particularly since he didn’t last time the two tangled. Yeah, I was wrong. Dumbass was not one, not two, but five pounds overweight. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

--I don’t feel bad for celebrities who get hounded by paparazzi 24/7. It comes with the territory of being rich, famous, and beautiful. Those traits are best personified by a former television star that has been the victim of a vicious stalker. I think you know what former phenomenal big leaguer on the field and Emmy deserving star off of it I’m talking about. That’s right. Bob Uecker. The 72-year-old had to get a restraining order against a 45-year-old woman named Ann Ladd. Apparently about six years ago Miss Ladd started sending Ueck letters and staying at the same hotels as him. Nothing too dangerous, but you can’t be too safe when you’re a star in the limelight and everyone wants a piece of you. Last week Uecker was at a hotel pool in Pittsburgh when Miss Ladd approached and asked if she could wave to him. That, my friends, is how you know you’ve made it. When women approach you and ask to wave at you and await your answer. Well, sir, you have been pimped.

--Ant Wars on The Discovery Channel. Wow.

--The next season of The Surreal Life will feature Macho Man and Phil Hellmuth?! That is appointment television.
Rest in Peace Miss Elizabeth.

--A Speed Racer movie by the Wachowski brothers?!

--Your “try not to laugh because people died” story of the week comes to us from Florida. Sara Rytman and Jason Ackerman were apparently low on alcohol and marijuana so the only way to get high was to suck the helium out of the huge promotional balloon in front of some condos. Evidently they sucked a little too much and sudden death is expected to have occurred because the helium displaces the oxygen from the lung tissue when you inhale too much and you go bye-bye.

--Because you need to know…Shakira’s single “Hips Don’t Lie” became the most played pop radio single evah being played 9,657 times last week. That topped the total of Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl,” but you knew that already.

--Rob Zombie is going to direct the next Halloween movie?

--On Sunday I sat out in the bleachers and don’t know which made me laugh more. When one male Rice student asked another what the ‘H’ on the scoreboard stood for (yes, he was serious and you should have heard the discussion regarding sacrifice bunts) or when a bunch of kids were playing baseball handball-style and one 9 or 10 year-old had the audacity to try and take first base when the tennis ball/pitch hit him on the wrist. C’mon little man get back in the box!

--I’m almost embarrassed to admit that until this weekend I had never seen Raging Bull. Fantastic stuff. DeNiro and Pesci were just incredible. Cathy Moriarty and Phil Leotardo (don’t know real name) were superb as well. Apparently Sharon Stone auditioned for the Vicki role. Thankfully Cathy got it. She made 1940’s era swimsuits as good-looking as they could get. Normally I’d toss in a quote from this movie, but I don’t feel like doing heavy editing on all the f-bombs.

--I think I’ve now caught up and seen every NBC Office episode and after each one I think the same thing…’that’s the best episode yet.’ Currently my favorite is when Michael and Jan take Tim Meadows out to Chili’s. Holy crap, that’s some funny stuff.

--If you fear 666 then you have Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia

--Your headline of the week comes to us from the Asbury Park Press: 6 Arrested after Squeegee Brawl. Apparently this all started when two groups of people arrived at a Shell station a little after 2 AM. It was about 10 people throwing down when one of them decided to run. Two idiots ran after him for about a quarter-mile before catching up and then beating him down with a broom and a squeegee. Later the group was dispersed between the hospital and jail. Out-standing!

--How has your life changed over these first 100 Colbert Report shows?

Questions, comments, or if you can tell me under what category of music Gnarls Barkley fits e-mail…

I put a towel on the floor by the two-inch gap under the door now they can't see me anymore

May Losses Bring What?

The Astros began last month 7 games over .500, but finish it right at the break even mark. We all know the problems. We all know the names of those who should be sent down. We all know the Astros aren’t this bad. We all know the Astros aren’t as good as that 19-9 start. We all knew Roger was coming back. Now we wait to see how the guys fare before Clemens joins them later this month. As of Thursday night the ‘Stros have seven teams in front of them in the wild card standings. It’s not going to be easy. It never is with these guys. First up the Reds who didn’t exactly have a memorable May either. Cincy has won just one of its last six series and lost five of its last seven games. Houston also has the Cubs twice, the Braves and the Royals before King Clemens takes his rightful place back on the throne June 22nd. By then the Astros and their front office had better have shown some signs of life

Let’s look at some of those ugly May numbers for the Astros…We’ll start with the good…Mike Lamb hit .395 with almost as many RBIs (10) as strikeouts (12), which is rare for this team. Eric Bruntlett who has to get more time hit .341. Eric Munson checked in at .393. Preston Wilson at .295 with 15 RBIs, but no HRs. What’s up with that? Morgan Ensberg led the team with 8 HRs and 17 RBIs, but hit just .216. Brad Ausmus came back down to earth at .270. Now the ugly…Adam Everett hit .173. Chris Burke - .129. Jason Lane - .154.
The best May starter was Roy O though he won just one time. Chad Qualls’ 1.72 ERA led the team. Russ Springer and Trever Miller were the only other guys whose ERAs were under 3.10. The four starters not named Roy all had ERAs of 5.29 and above. Ouch.

--Houston’s 5.05 May ERA was only better than Kansas City’s and Milwaukee’s. Only the Royals and Astros allowed more than 40 HRs. Houston hit 22 HRs, which was more than only the Rockies and Cubs.

Sticking with the May theme…

--NL Player of the Month is probably between Ryan Howard, Jason Bay, and Albert Pujols, who might just work out for the Cardinals. Howard hit .284 and led everyone with 13 HRs and tied Bay with 35 RBIs. Bay hit .321 with 12 HRs. Albert ho-hummed his way to 11 HRs, 33 RBIs, a .289 average while scoring the most runs in the NL.

--Barry Bonds can’t even get on fantasy rosters, but was still walked 21 times. That was tied for 5th most in the bigs last month. He was intentionally walked nine times, which topped everybody.

--The Giants stole a ML-low 2 bases while getting thrown out 6 times.

--The Rangers and A’s got zero pinch-hits in 6 and 11 tries, respectively. On the other end of the spectrum the Braves hit .314 (27-86).

Becks

June 22nd not only a big day for Roger Clemens, but Indians reliever Scott Sauerbeck as well. That’s Sauerbeck’s pretrial hearing on charges of obstructing official business and permitting someone intoxicated to drive his car. Happy, happy, joy, joy! This all stemming from some weekend fun between Sauerbeck, his ’66 Lincoln convertible, and a woman who was not his wife. Apparently, Scott was too drunk to drive so he let this woman who was not his wife take the wheel. Always a mistake to move aside for a female driver, particularly when it’s not your wife. So the cops spot the weaving car around 4 in the morning and tried to pull it over. Yeah, right. Scott and the woman who was not his wife pulled into some stranger’s driveway, jumped out, jumped over a fence and of course, hid in the bushes. That lasted for about 45 minutes before the cops found them. Talk about a blown save (cue rimshot). Anyway, the woman who was not his wife was discovered to have a BAC level of .253%. And he thought she could drive? Later Sauerbeck said, “In trying to do the right thing, I made a terrible error in judgment. It’s something I’ve I’m going to have to life with the rest of my life. I’m a big boy, and I’m going to have to deal with it.”
He was asked what exactly that “right thing” was that he was trying to do, but couldn’t get into it for legal reasons. The right thing to do is never easy even more so when you're drunk at 4 AM in a '66 convertible with a woman driver who is not your wife, but can blow a BAC three times greater than the legal limit.

Stayin' Alive

The Pistons have survived to live at least one more day. I can't see them winning Game 6 and yet I think they'll win Game 6. Does that make sense? I'm putting this in before the Mavericks/Suns game, but I'm assuming Dallas will win at home and then Phoenix will take 6 and then it's on for Game 7.

--Was Ben Wallace's block of Shaq the best playoff block of all-time?

--Is it just me or is Dirk Nowitzki a younger version of Northwestern captain Sig Hansen? Of course, I can't find a decent pic, but surely you watch the boys on Deadliest Catch.

--Gilbert Arenas' version in the Washington Post of what went down in his recent South Beach arrest: "I was in a limousine, stuck in really bad traffic going to this restaurant, Ago, when I decided to step out of the car. The limo driver said, 'The guy who just got out is being arrested.' I looked over and saw seven police officers arresting Storey. . . . I didn't have the chance to say anything; an officer put cuffs on me from behind. . . . When I was taken in, I said, 'I don't mean to be rude, but can I talk to the officer who arrested me?' And the officer says, 'You were being nosy.' And I said, 'Are you putting that in your official police report, that I was being nosy?'And then he keeps asking me questions: ‘Do you have tattoos?’ I said, ‘Yes, I have three.’ And then ‘What is your street name?’ I laughed. Of course I laughed. My street name? What? Okay, it's Zero Hero. [Arenas wears "0" on his Wizards jersey.] " 'And he says, 'Oh, everything is funny to you, huh?' "

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Criss Angel or David Blaine?! I’ll take the guy who on his show this week levitated from one rooftop to another as opposed to the guy who likes to play sea monkey on live TV.

--Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey?! Jake Gyllenhaal and Natalie Portman?!

--Final Sopranos of the season this week. That’s good. I’m much more interested in the Entourage/Deadwood combo taking its place.
Our YouTube video of the week comes to us from none other than the man who gave us "hug it out bitch" Ari Gold...

--Michelle Rodriguez was to spend 60 days behind L.A. bars for drunken driving. That ended up being just a little over four hours of hard time because apparently that’s typically the case for non-violent defenders with sentences shorter than 90 days. How come I get the feeling if anyone would be pissed about getting out of jail early it would be her?

--Guy Pearce (Memento, LA Confidential) in The Proposition looks very promising.
If you feel the need to exercise your brain with confusion then Memento is for you.

--Good to see Ashlee Simpson pumping collagen in her lips, which is a sure sign she has no inferiority complex about her sister. Very healthy.

--In two Mondays Gordon Ramsay and his potty mouth return on Hell’s Kitchen.

--Cross your fingers, but Johnny Rico and the rest of the Starship Troopers may be back for a third part. I don’t remember if Denise Richards died in the first one and I don’t care, but she needs to be back for this one.
Ouch, guess she dies.

--I never have and likely never will watch American Idol. Cory Favreau,24, and his mother live in Plattsburgh, New York and do watch Idol. Last week mother commented that Katherine McPhee would have a solid career even though she lost to that gray haired guy. Her son responded by smacking her over the head with a “sharpened, cross-shaped object attached to a bicycle chain.” Moms went to the hospital with a cut on her head, but she’s fine. Sonny-boy is still in jail though mommy doesn’t want to press charges because she says her son didn’t intend to hurt her. Uh-huh.

--Now time for Q & A with Jessica Alba courtesy of USA Today:
Q: You always look awesome. How do you keep those Alba abs?
A: I have a trainer I work out with four days a week to get my body stronger for Fantastic Four 2. And I try to not to eat too much dessert. I like whipped cream a lot. I'll put whipped cream on anything.

--CBS’s Game Show Marathon hosted by Ricki Lake and featuring “stars” such as Kathy Najimy and Lance Bass. Why? Would CBS exist without C.S.I. and all of its spawn?
Best game show game evah!

--In “when it’s your time, it’s your time” news…In Detroit, Oregon Vladimir Gorkavchenko was driving his family in their minivan when it rolled over falling down into a ravine. Miraculously Vladimir, wife, and daughter were fine. Vladimir grabbed a rifle as the trio made their way up to the top. Dad was using it as a brace and of course, it slipped shooting Vladimir in the thumb and probably more importantly in the head. Final destination.

--The senior prank stories continue to roll in and this one may be the best. Parents of seniors at Daniel Hand High in Madison, Wisconsin received letters on official school letterhead regarding a new prom policy. The note lets parents know, "we've decided on a more unproblematic solution when it comes to alcohol and prom. Rather than sneaking beer or liquor in, if parents sign a permission slip, drinks will be served at the dance, with each student allowed eight alcoholic beverages." Sounds reasonable.

--Your “theft sure to be turned into a car commercial” story of the week comes to us from New York. Victor Gardner is alleged to have stolen seven calves from a farm and fitting all seven calves into his 2000 Dodge Neon.

--Congratulations to Dutch pedophiles for creating their very own political party. WTF?! The primary purpose of the party is to lower the age of consent in the Netherlands from 16 to 12. 16 to 12?! Let’s hear from their president, "Forbidding children from sex only makes them more curious. A lot of people are against us and that's not strange but that doesn't worry us very much because we know we also have a lot of support." If by “support” you mean people who want to shoot you then yes, you have a lot of support.

--Those new Jetta commercials are great.

Questions, comments or if you’d like the language of origin and the definition…