Steady As She Goes

Short and sweet this time as I’ll be going to The Raconteurs concert Thursday night and will be completely worthless until Friday night or so. So just a little bit of football and a lot of crap. Enjoy!

--Not that the Texans aren’t going to shock the world, but the Colts are 12-2 in September since 2002.

--When the headline reads “Punter makes worst shank of his life” you know this has potential. We head to Northern Colorado and the all-important punting job. The school has been outscored in its first two games 83-10 so the backup punter took matters in his own hands. Backup punter Mitch Cozad waited outside of starting punter Rafael Mendoza’s apartment and then when Rafael showed his face and more importantly to Cozad his leg Cozad stabbed him in the back of his right leg. Genius then decided to flee in his own car complete with personalized plates which presumably read DMBASS. Cozad was quickly expelled, kicked off the team, and will likely be a part of the next Longest Yard or Gridiron Gang.

--In case you missed Tom Jackson asking Michael Irvin the question the world has been waiting to hear the answer to…


--The Bengals have a bunch of turds on that team, but you can’t help but root for guys like Chad Johnson and Carson Palmer. Apparently Chad wrote a book and was at a book signing on Monday. One fan told Chad to tell Carson to throw him the ball more. Chad told the fan to tell Carson himself and Chad broke off a call to Carson and handed the phone to the fan, Brian Fleming. Carson didn’t answer so Fleming left him a message before wandering around the bookstore. A little later Carson called Chad back and Chad yelled for Fleming. He was still around and so the fan got to tell Carson himself to throw Chad the ball more. Can we get someone to break David Carr off a call to throw Andre Johnson the ball more?

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Move over Mario Lopez (who sounds exactly like Man Lawmaker Oscar De La Hoya). Make way for your next Dancing With The Stars champion Emmitt Smith. The former Arizona Cardinal was outstanding and light years better than Jerry Rice. Mario will make a long run and that’s fine as long as his partner keeps wearing less and less. Tucker Carlson sucked and they really didn’t need to wait for a results show the following day to boot him.
Jerry Springer's lovely Australian partner. Jerry Springer not pictured.

--Your DrudgeReport headline of the week: Bush to hold talks on ‘Ali G’ creator after diplomatic row. Apparently the Kazakhstan government isn’t fond of Borat and will start an educational campaign to refute Borat’s portrayal of Kazakhstan. This despite the fact no one would even know Kazakhstan exists if not for Borat.

--Because you’ll never see a better Jean Claude Van Damme/Mentos commercial today. Bonus: Forrest Whitaker. When does The Shield get going again?


--The other day on one of the Max’s they showed one of my all-time favorites…Moving Violations. It was one of those movies I watched over and over as a kid back in the I Love The 80’s. It’s very stupid and very hilarious and had the same writer as the Police Academy movies. It starred some acting relatives including the memorable brother of Bill and Brian-Doyle, John.
Apparently the role was going to go to Michael J. Fox, but the studio didn’t want him. James Keach was part of the fun as well as the by-the-book cop teaching a bunch of traffic school punks. Jennifer Tilly had her first main role and was outstanding. How can you not like a movie that has not only Wendie Jo Sperber, but Fred Willard as well. By the way, how has Wendie Jo not been on Celebrity Fit Club? And let’s not forget the “Where’s the beef?” lady. Until the other night I hadn’t seen it in probably 18 years so didn’t think the Juicy Burgers employee was anything to notice. Until I noticed it was Don Cheadle making his feature film debut.

--Rachel Bilson as Wonder Woman? Fine by me.

--Your MySpace story of the week is one of those that I can’t believe hasn’t happened already. 22-year-old Heather Kane was arrested after allegedly trying to hire someone to kill a girl whose picture was on Heather’s boyfriend’s MySpace page. She met with an undercover officer, gave him $400 before the kill and offered $100 after it. The girlfriend from hell also gave the cop some pics of the girl and requested one of the girl dead. Paging Shannen Doherty, paging Shannen Doherty, we have a break up we’d like to make happen on your show.

--Whitney and Bobby are done.
Not really sure which one this is.

--Hey firecrotch, get some freakin’ knickers already.

--Segway is having to recall over 23,000 of those wonderful scooters because of a glitch. First off 23,000?! Who’s buying these things? Clutch has the only one I’ve ever seen in person. The glitch is that a malfunction can make the wheels suddenly go in reverse. Out-standing.

Questions, comments, or if you dream in HD…