Ausmus- 4 RBI...Bonds- 1 RBI...Let the Race Begin

Best Rain Song: Eddie Rabbit's "I Love a Rainy Night" or Nelson's "After the Rain" or New Edition's "Can You Stand the Rain?" or Milli Vanilli's "Blame It on the Rain" or Tone! Toni! Tony!'s "It Never Rains in Southern California" or Guns 'n' Roses' "November Rain" or Prince's "Purple Rain"?

So far and, I guess, so good for the Astros on this now 5-game roadie. Hopefully Brandon Backe's injury won't be too severe. Taylor Buchholz took the loss, but he pitched just fine and was just the victim of Mike Lamb's fielding and some bloop hits. How great was it to watch Barry (good luck with that federal grand jury, btw), not once, but twice think he got his first homer of the season only to see it caught on the warning track? Cue Nelson for the ha-ha. The last eleven innings of the doubleheader the bats were fine and hopefully that'll continue against the three solid starters Arizona is rolling out over the weekend. The D'backs are 2nd in MLB in ERA at 3.24 (Astros- 6th). However, Arizona is dead last in batting average at .231. Let's keep it that way. You hear me Wandy?

--How sweet is that Coors Light fan forum segment during Astros games? Maybe not. Guess Fox got tired of asking Phil Garner how he met his wife and Brad Ausmus what his favorite restaurant is.

--Jim Thome is just a little hot right now. The guy has homered in four straight games and scored in each of Chicago’s nine games. Detroit’s Chris Shelton is also mildly hot what with a .514 average and major league-leading 7 home runs.

--If you were one of the fantasy owners who picked up Detroit’s Justin Verlander after his first sparkling start…your bad. Start # 2: 2.2 IP, 7 H, 7 ER, 0 K

--Ice Cold: Scott Podsednick- .059 BA (2-34). Frank Thomas- .138 BA. Manny Ramirez- .219 BA 0 HRs. Rondell White- .088 BA. Oakland’s Dan Johnson- .000 (0-30). Ouch.

--Gary Sheffield hit # 452 tying him with Yaz for 27th on the all-time list.

--How bad are the Devil Rays? Well, Dan Miceli is their closer. Ol’ Pinkeye blew the save on Thursday and I’ll now give you time to recover from the shock of that unimaginable occurrence….Miceli has made five appearances and been scored upon in three of them and yet still has three saves as well. Three saves and a 9.64 ERA. Good luck Tampa Bay.

--San Diego’s Dewon Brazelton is now 0-16 on the road. He’s also off to a horrific start. Thursday he gave up 8 earned in just 4 innings and his ERA went down!!! It was over 34.00 after he gave up 9 runs in 2.1 innings in his season debut. Afterwards he said, "All I need is one good start to turn things around. I'm 0-2. Really, what does that mean? That means nothing. From my point of view, if I was 2-0, I wouldn't be winning the Cy Young, so at 0-2, why should I be totally upset and cash in the season?" Exactly. Who knows? That ERA might be under 15.00 by the All-Star Break. Now Bruce Bochy with the understatement of the year, “I’d be lying if I said there was not some concern.” Just “some” concern??

--Milwaukee closer Derrick Turnbow has yet to allow a run, big deal. But neither has Dan Kolb and that’s an upset of epic proportions. Kolb is back with the Brewers after posting a 5.93 ERA in Atlanta last year. St. Louis’ Jason Isringhausen is now 0-2 with a 15.00 ERA giving up 2 HRs in 3 innings.

--If you watch one Atlanta Braves commercial featuring Sid Bream, Phil Niekro, and MC Hammer then make it this one.

--The Pirates suck as usual and Pennsylvania native Michael Keaton ain’t happy about it. After throwing out the first pitch Beetlejuice said, “At some point, you've got to win. I think fans have been gracious. And maybe not vocal enough. Maybe not vociferous enough with their displeasure. That's my opinion. I fear they (club owners) will take advantage of the good will of the people who continue to show up. For my money, that's disrespectful. At some point, you either have to write the check or do something and not assume, well, we're OK."
Anyone care to guess which television show Keaton made his debut on in 1975. None other than Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.
Scary man.

This Is Rock Bottom

I was one of the few and the proud who took in Wednesday’s Rockets/Timberwolves extravaganza. In a word, wow. I mean where do you even start? It was the worst, most go- through-the-motions game I’ve ever seen. The Timberwolves should be smacked by the league office for this b.s. about Kevin Garnett’s knee tendonitis forcing him out of these games down the stretch. What player in the league doesn’t have knee tendonitis? At least get creative with a Lis Franc or conjunctivitis or something. Whatever, you ladies won so you deserve what you got. As much as I wanted the Rockets to lose it was still painful to watch a home team blow an 18-point lead against a totally talentless and disinterested team like Minnesota. Embarrassing. Oh well, maybe the extra lottery ball or two Houston gets from this loss will be the lucky one come lottery draft time.

--If for some reason you want to see Yao Ming get dunked on a lot o’ times then knock yourself out here.

When Worlds Collide

Gotta love when the daily MySpace story combines with the daily teacher sex story. This all courtesy of one female dumbass known as Pamela Rogers who resides in…prepare for the shock…Tennessee. This crazy spent some time in jail and is now on probation after being accused of sleeping with a student. So this dummy isn’t supposed to go online. Apparently she thought it would be allowed if she just worked on her MySpace page. Yeah, probably not a good idea. Ms. Rogers even wrote a message to her boy toy, but she wasn’t dumb enough to use his name. No, this Einstein used his basketball jersey number. "TO NUMBER ….'My Plans are Your Plans....' 'Nothing's Changed....' 'Say it.....say it....' Always is the word, Baby, always. Listen to "Far Away" by Nickleback.... that's for you." Whatever, freak. Dumbass also had this on her page, "I am not looking for a boyfriend. I am happily single and I went through a divorce about a year ago, so I am not looking for anyone.... I still do believe in LOVE, though... ;p I just think that I will wait for about 3 years before I fall into that..... Always, PJ" Wait 3 years?! Could you be a little more obvious? This dumbass served six months of an eight-year sentence. Time for more time.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Carla Gugino a new addition to Entourage?!


--Straight people can be “outed” and gay people can be “inned”?! In a somewhat related story the Gay Games are scheduled for mid-July in Chicago. If you can’t wait until then Pros vs. Joes is still on Spike.

--Donna Martin and whoever she was married to got a divorce. I almost made it an entire minute through her new show So Notorious (get it?), but decided to switch it to something more entertaining like whatever was on PBS.

--24: The Movie?! Elisha Cuthbert nude scene? Please. I won’t beg.


--Pretty please.

--If anyone wants to take him up on it Tom Cruise claims he can get someone off of heroin in just three days with the help of the Scientology detox program.

--According to MTV your 3rd Greatest MC of All-Time is…No, No, Notorious B.I.G. So we know the top two are Tupac and Jay-Z. Surely Tupac will have the top spot, right? Wrong. Big ups to MTV for putting Jigga at the top spot with Tupac at two. HOVA! HOVA! HOVA!


--Mischa Barton wants out of The O.C.?!


--Another reason to no longer believe in love…Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro are apparently calling it a marriage. Thankfully we still have the genuine, deep love that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes share.


--Yet another American Pie movie?! How do you already get another one after your last was straight-to-DVD?!? See if you can stay out of this one okay, Eugene Levy.

--For David Blaine’s next boring, I-could-do-it-too, but-why-would-I-want-to-trick he’ll live in a specially built human aquarium for a full week. He’ll also try and I’m sure succeed in breaking the mark of 8 minutes and 58 seconds holding your breath underwater. That part will be televised on ABC come May 8th.

--Stacy Steel (not a superhero) was arrested in California for investigation of obtaining controlled substances by fraud. Something about the 3,600 Vicodin pills the former humane society official ordered for her dog.

--Despite the Ms. Rogers story above your dumbass of the week comes to us from…no, not Kentucky…not even Tennessee….but Wyoming. There some teenage boys decided to siphon some gas. The 17-year-old dumbass spilled gas on his pants. It was dark so dumbass used a lighter, that’s right, a lighter to see exactly how much gas he spilled on himself. Turns out it was enough gas to give him second and third-degree burns. Dumbass.

--It took me three seasons, but I'm finally hooked on Ultimate Fighter 3. I like Shamrock's guys, but he looks like an awful coach.


--Dallas is going to be shot in Florida?! Yeah, that makes about as much sense as having Jennifer Lopez as Sue Ellen. This will absolutely bomb. Unlike these awesome Dallas trading cards.


Questions, comments or if you think Vito committed suicide last week thereby robbing him of his chance to be with his true love Finn...