Mix Master Mike with the Scratch Routine

F’ugly

There aren’t a lot of teams that can go out and not only lose, but get embarrassed on an 0-7 road trip, but buck up Houston, your Astros are one of them. Yeah, turns out the teams out West pretty good, the teams in the Central pretty bad, really bad, suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked type of bad. Let’s look at the fun numbers from the trip. First I’d like to congratulate Orlando Palmeiro for ending his 0-19 slump with a couple of hits in 9 at-bats. Still no reason for you to be on the team though. Lance was 3-22 (.136). Sadly Wandy had as many RBI (1) as Puma did. Once upon a time Mike Lamb was hot, he hit .125. Craig Biggio continued his glacier-like “run” to 3,000. He had two whole hits in batting .118. Should he even be going on road trips? At this rate Hunter will reach 3,000 before Bidge. Brad Ausmus, Luke Scott, and Jason Lane also all hit below .200. Morgan Ensberg had 4 hits, 3 of which were home runs so I guess that’s a positive although he’s just as likely to go 0 for his next 15 as he is to hit three more HRs before the All-Star break. Carlos Lee was Carlos Lee (.308, 5 RBIs) and Mark Loretta continued his good play (.333). Hunter Pence continues to make you wonder why the hell he didn’t start the season up here. Hunter hit .370, but 0 HRs and just 1 RBI. The only pitcher to pitch at least 2 innings with an ERA below 4.50 was, oh wait, there wasn’t one. Even Roy had an ERA over 6.00 for the lovely swing out west. I’m sure by season’s end we’ll be pointing at this trip and laughing saying we can’t believe the Astros were once that bad. Or we’ll be saying remember when they only lost 8 in a row?
some of us are taking it harder than others...


--Troy Percival is trying a comeback?!

--I’m not much for baseball games, but checked out The Show for PS3 the other day. I feel fairly certain it’s the best simulation I’ve seen seeing as how there are button combinations for 8 different types of slides. They also have AAA and AA teams with a few real players among the made up ones.

--Let’s say, for instance, you have a baseball player who police have had to deal with four different times in the past four years for domestic violence issues. A little marijuana issue as well that police had to sort out. Oh this one time he barged into his wife/teacher’s classroom and had to be hauled out by school security. Good example for the kids. And finally he left a voicemail threatening not only her life, but their kids as well. For good measure he sent her a text message with a picture of a gun. So what kind of punishment do you mete out? Tampa Bay sat piece of crap Elijah Dukes down for two whole games. That’ll learn him. F’n ridiculous. Death, taxes, and D-Rays sucking are certainties, but at least you can have a team of decent, law-abiding human beings.

--Normally former Astros go on to do well elsewhere, but that looks like it’ll never be the case for Kirk Saarloos. He was 0-4 with an ERA over 7.00 before the Reds sent him back down. He allowed five runs in a start on Sunday in which he recorded 1, 2, zero outs.

--Winadaywithjose.com is the hottest site on the Net or maybe not. Either way head there if you have an idea about what you’d like to do if given the chance to spend a day with Canseco. One idea had some guy taking Jose to a Giants game so they could stand up and yell “steroids” every time Barry stepped to the plate. He’s trying to make a TV show out of this to put on, where else, VH-1.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Whoa, whoa, whoa Tony Romo is trying to date both Carrie Underwood AND Jessica Simpson?! Tony, you can’t even handle a snap, how ya gonna handle two womens like that?
Yeah, people are staring at you because of your voice.

--I’m not sure Tom Brady can get any more perfect especially seeing as how he recently said his DVR is full of The Shield and Entourage. Oh yeah, the first two artists he mentions when asked about his iPod content are U2 and Jay-Z.

--You only need to see about the first 5 minutes of Forrest Whitaker on the screen before realizing he was a shoo-in for Best Actor in Last King of Scotland. Wow.

--You think the action in the Western Conference Finals can’t get any more heated and then Bruce Bowen gets hit by Carmex. That’s how you kick things up a notch. Seriously Jazz Fan, Carmex?! Why not throw a wife at him? At least you know you have more of those back at the house.

--You know the bad thing about living in Houston is that we usually only get to see Western Conference teams. That’s why it’s been an absolute joy and privilege to watch the high-flying Easter Conference playoff teams this postseason. Wow, where has the NBA been hiding these exciting, thrill a minute, run and gun teams?

--Someday I’m sure there will be a better season finale than what Lost offered last week, but it ain’t happening in my lifetime. RIP Charlie.
Bad news is you're dead on the show. Good news is you still get to go home to this every night.

--Tell me Miss USA didn’t bite it during the Miss Universe competition.


--Smokin’ Aces is a nice little popcorn movie that apparently is going to spawn a direct to DVD prequel. Too bad Lloyd wasn’t cast as one of the bad ass assassins.

--If you’re not making the NCAA Lacrosse Championship apart of your Memorial Day viewing tradition you’re missing out.

--It’s also that time of year for The Spelling Bee. Sadly Mike and Mike are hosting the final rounds. Whatever. It’s all about Samir Peyton Manning Patel this year as he tries for first for the fifth and final time. Good luck although he’s a Cowboys fan so, aw screw it, good luck anyway.

--There are things that you make you sick and then there are things that make you sick and want to beat the sh** out of some people. Apparently vandals visited veterans’ cemeteries over the weekend and put swastikas on markers and burned American flags replacing them with paper swastika ones. Where’s the Strike Team when you need them?

--Your dumbass teenager of the week comes to us from Wisconsin. Moua Yang was a bit of an entrepreneur, so so far, so good. His business was growing and selling pot. Hmm, well that’s still illegal so maybe that’s a bad idea. Moua thought a good idea would be to post pictures of his pot plants on his MySpace profile. Yeah, apparently cops have online access.

--You never know when you’re going to meet that special someone so you’ve always got to be ready. Two men, one a romantic, charged into a U-Haul store in Milwaukee the other day demanding cash. They got the cash and the bad guy robber left. The misunderstood, sweetheart of a thief stayed behind a few moments and used his always money line of, “Hey baby, you’re pretty fine.” The smooth operator was somehow turned down when he asked for her number.

--Note to 24: Piss poor excuse for a season. Piss poor.

--We’re coming up on June so all of those Father of the Year candidates are busy trying to sneak in one more good deed to put them over the top. Justin Lenegar of Milwaukee had two DUI convictions and a suspended license, but when it’s time to put on a show you put on a show. Justin walked right by some officers with a Bud Light in his hand. Not smart. He got into his car. Dumb. He then loaded two of his kids and one of their friends into his car. Dumbass. He drove away and the cops pulled him over quickly and he blew twice the legal limit. Did he blow his chances at Father of the Year? We’ll see.

Questions, comments, or if you smashed the back window out of an Infinity G-35 parked in front of my house last weekend….