Phone is Ringing, Oh My God

Wait, The Astros Aren’t Going to Make a Miraculous Run…Really?

This just in, just like the first series of the season the second half has started with the Astros getting swept by a divisional opponent. I know, this is all very shocking because Houston has looked so good what with only being 11 games under .500 at the break and looking up at the Pirates in the division for basically the entire season. Pittsburgh took the first set against Houston 6-Love so we’ll see if the Astros can get a game in the second set which begins Friday. First a date with one of the two NL teams with a worse record. Of course, Houston will be seeing Tim Redding on Tuesday so that’ll be a win…or a no-hitter from Redding. This might be the last little Astros blurb until they start making deals because really what’s the point? Congratulations to the Chronicle guys for coming up with articles every single day on this sorry ass team.

--How reassuring is it that our nation’s president doesn’t get a lot of time for television viewing what with that thing, you know that thing, the one where young Americans die on a daily basis for inexplicable reasons, ummm, Iraq something or ever, oh well, I’m sure it’ll come to me later, anyway, a “big chunk” of that television viewing is devoted to Baseball Tonight? This speculation about him being the next commissioner is really, really promising. Jim Lampley said it best after I posed the question to him about whether George W. Bush is a “great president” or the “greatest president.” Lamps, “George W. Bush is the WORST president in the history of the republic!” That wasn’t a choice so I just put him down for “great.” (Thank you Colbert)

--Barry is 0 for his last 20 heading into the new week. It was 12 years since his last 0-5 game until last weekend.

How Long Until Chance creates a song for Scola to the Tune of "Lola"?

Who loves him some Scola? Thanks Spurs. I guess I understand what you were doing by saving a bunch of money and clearing the way for Tiago and whoever else, but you had to send him to Houston? Seems like they could have found a way to keep him out of the division much less the state. I don’t know how Daryl Morey will work long-term, but I do know you’ve got to like turning Juwan and Billy into Mike James, Luis Scola and Jackie Butler. Probably have to like Aaron Brooks considering his outstanding summer league play. Gotta love former Rice Owl Mike Harris getting a non-guaranteed deal that hopefully will end up with him on the opening night roster. Looking good.

--Kevin Durant’s summer action wasn’t all of that as he averaged 24 points on 33% shooting while grabbing just two rebounds a game.

--Aaron Brooks averaged 21.4 points and 5 assists. Mike Harris went for 12.6 points and 7 rebounds per. He also shot 68% from the field and was 21-23 from the line. Carl Landry was a 7 and 7 guy.

--How did ESPN sign an 8-year deal with the WNBA when the league will only be around for two more? I mean haven’t we had our little fun with that whole fad of women’s sports being relevant.

Remember When ESPN Used To Be Cool?

--A big GIANT F*** YOU to ESPN and its ridiculous ESPYs. So at the beginning they show all of these montages with the best moments of the sports year and then the music changes and we get the roll call of those who left us in the past year. Red Auerbach, Eddie Robinson, etc. and yet for some unknown reason they didn’t show a picture of Diego “Chico” Corrales. WTF?! Ridiculous.

--Devin Hester over Kevin Durant for Breakthrough Athlete?! All I know is Kevin Durant had zero fumbles in the Super Bowl. What about Devin?...Peyton – Championship Performance?! Ummm, he wasn’t even the Super Bowl MVP so….Peyton must’ve loved having that awesome seat next to the Christian Slater whose Monday Night Football appearance was perhaps the greatest MNF segment ever (unfortunately not on YouTube)…I’m sure there was more to bitch about and wonder why (My Prerogative) about, but 30 minutes was about all I could stomach.

--I’m embarrassed for you Kirk Herbstreit, Michael Wilbon and Keyshawn Johnson. I understand you have to do what the network tells you, but you guys, especially you Kirk, are taking this Who’s Now crap way too seriously. It’s a f’n stupid idea arguing the merits of who’s now between Ronaldhino and Kobe or some surfer or whatever and these dumbass brackets named for legends. I mean, this is truly awful. Round 2’s judges are supposed to include Jessica Biel which may make it watchable…on mute. For shame. For shame. Oh yeah, F U for not recognizing the passing of Diego Corrales!

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Megan Fox and David Silver?! How I still haven’t seen The Transformers is beyond me.

--Brooke’s last doctor trip may give you two more reasons to watch the new season of Hogan Knows Best. Apparently the Hulkster and wifey are on the outs.

--I’ve never seen a Harry Potter movie much less read a book, but Harry/Daniel Radcliffe has the right attitude: "Girls who want to go out with me just because I'm famous has never been a problem. I'm 17. I don't care. Obviously, if I wanted a deep and meaningful relationship then I wouldn't want to be going out with somebody who is only with me because I'm an actor, but if you don't a relationship like that then it's fine."

--When you listen to the morning show you hear Andre Ware says he knows when it’s football time by the smell of the air. Danny Vara knows it’s football time when NCAA ’08 drops. It drops Tuesday. Football starts Tuesday! I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

--Holy crap, I love this show…


--Giselle Bundchen will be in U2’s next music video because apparently she and Bono are now BFFs.

--It’s reportedly down to Mark Steines and Todd Newton for the next host of The Price is Right. I know, I know…how’d they get such big names to even consider hosting. Who thought they had a shot at a Steines or a Newton.

--Look at some point or another in our lives we’ve all reenacted scenes from Teen Wolf whether it was going into a closet with a girl named Boof or remembering coach’s advice about not dating women with the same first name as a state and who among us hasn’t car surfed to Surfin’ USA? Yes, we were all much cooler for it in the end. But when you start tandem car surfing you’re just asking for problems. This out of St. Paul where Mom of the Year candidate Blythe Jarrett was having a tiff with her live-in, ex-boyfriend (btw, the words “live-in” followed by the word “ex” is always a recipe for s-u-c-c-e-s-s). So boyfriend takes the car last Wednesday evening. Did I forget to mention that five hours earlier Mommy was released from jail on a DWI arrest? Okay fast forward to ex taking the car. Mommy didn’t like that so she jumped on the hood…while holding her 4-month-old baby. Surely the ex-boyfriend wouldn’t driv…oh sh** he would! Hell, it’s not his kid after all. So Ex of the Year candidate runs a red light, swerves everywhere, hops a curb and hits a pine tree before police finally pull him over. For what, I have no idea. He was wearing his seatbelt. Mommy and the kid weren’t and that’s not his problem. Commander Shari Gray with the best parenting advice you will ever hear, “It’s just not acceptable for any parent to put a child in that situation and for the driver to continue driving knowing there is a baby on the hood.” Remember parents, this is NOT acceptable behavior. Glad we cleared that up.

--Like you need another reason to never spend a single second in Detroit…it is about to lose its last two major chain grocery stores as Farmer Jack is about to shut it down there. Not even so much as a Wal-Mart will dare to enter Detroit city limits. Your city might be a hellhole if…

--Ever since Weekend at Bernie’s as a society we’ve come to appreciate the humor in dead bodies not yet buried. This from Pennsylvania where Dennis Laslo came across a pickup truck with the dead body of Maynard Anthony in it. So good citizen Laslo decided to take Anthony to the bank so he could use Maynard’s ATM card since he wouldn’t be needing it any longer (no word on if he fastened Maynard’s seatbelt or stuck him in the trunk or put sunglasses on him…we need these details police people, c’mon). Yeah, that didn’t work. Dennis the menace then decided to go supermarket shopping with Maynard. So Dennis drove into the parking lot of a store, got out, and tried to take the purse of some woman who wasn’t dead so that didn’t work out too well for Dennis. That’s when the police got involved and through some CSI-type of detective work they discovered Maynard’s dead ass in the truck. Laslo was charged with abuse of a corpse and some other boring charges.

--Dax Shepard and Kate Hudson?!
Need to revisit this.

--The sport of boxing will miss you Arturo Gatti. You drew more people into the sport than Floyd Mayweather and you likely won’t be in the Hall of Fame, but your contributions will never be forgotten. Tremendous win for Paul Williams over Antonio Margarito. Good stuff there. Margarito was the guy nobody else wanted to face and that title no goes to Paul Williams.

--Broadcasting & Cable handed out some television awards the other day. Medaling for Best Show was Sopranos, Friday Night Lights, and Heroes in that order. I would go with Heroes, Lights, and Lost, but that’s just me. Best Comedy gold went to The Office followed by 30 Rock and Ugly Betty neither of which I’ve ever seen. I would have tossed in Weeds. American Idol, The Amazing Race, and Project Runway were voted reality’s best offerings. Obviously I would’ve put in Top Chef and Hell’s Kitchen. BBC America the Network More People Should Watch. The only thing I’ve ever seen on it is Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares, which is coming here. Worst Show went to National Bingo Night followed by Sons of Hollywood and Til Death. Congratulations War at Home the business has churned out stankier crap than what you offer. C’mon Michael Rappaport, you’re better than that.

--Friday Human Weapon debuts on The History Channel. Basically it’s some professional fighter and some former football player/wrestler visit martial arts experts and blah, blah, blah, they fight at the end, which is why I’ll be watching and by watching I mean DVRing and fast forwarding to the fight.

--Ace Ventura 3! I know many of you said it can’t get better than Ace Ventura 2, but maybe it can, maybe it can.

--Another X-Files movie?

Questions, comments or if your new favorite sandwich spot is Which ‘Wich…