There Never was a City Kid Truer and Bluer
Don’t Wake Me
Incredible. Unbelievable. Magical. Fantastic. Laughable. Implausible. Unexplainable. Okay, I’ll stop there because this is very easy to explain. The Astros have won 9 straight games. The Cardinals have lost 8 of 9. There you have it. That’s how a team can go from dead, buried and ridiculed and under .500 to possibly the postseason. Que Milagro! Are these last 9 games supposed to make us forget about the first 150 games where the Astros underachieved, under whelmed and were under .500? Hell, yeah. Forgive and forget, baby. This last week we’ve had to follow, basically, two playoff games, every single day. And how fun has that been (since we’re in Houston and not in St. Louis)? I don’t know what else to say except kick back, relax, pop one open and enjoy the show. The last two years have been great, but nothing, nothing like what has happened over the last nine days and what’s to come over these next three. Bring it!
--On Thursday the Astros had just two innings in which they sent more than three men to the plate. Did it matter? Of course not. No team has won more than once this season when getting three hits or fewer. The Astros have won like that twice this month.
--The Blue Jays and Astros were the only teams over the last two years to not have come back to win from a deficit of five runs. Houston came off that list on Wednesday.
--Since 2001 Chris Carpenter had lost only once when given a three-run lead. He’s blown three-run leads in each of his last two starts.
--Biggest lead ever blown in September…6.5 games. Nine games ago Houston trailed St. Louis by 8.5.
Who’s Next?
Last week the Awful vs. Suck match-up went Awful’s way reinforcing the idea of Suck being a more derogative term. This week the Dolphins visit and we’ll finally have our Crap vs. Suck debate settled once and for all. In this corner is the Crap Dolphins who average just 12 points a game (27th), whose quarterback has been sacked more than any other, who lost to the Bills at home by 10, who got booed at home before eking out a 3-point win against the horrible Titans last week, who actually worked out Drew Henson this week. They are not good. No, in fact they are Crap. But the Texans are the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. All the proof you need is in this…Houston is dead last in yards allowed per game. That’s bad, but when the next worst team still allows 95 fewer yards a game than you, that’s real bad. It’s hard to get off the field when 68% of the time third downs are being converted on you. The awesome defense also leads the league in penalty yards. Fan-tastic. You don’t say it can’t get any worse, because we’ve seen it can. I’m not sure how the Texans will go about losing this game, but I know it will be in spectacular fashion. And if nothing else at least Daunte Culpepper is finally a viable fantasy option. He should probably just retire after this Sunday and go out on top with a record or two.
--You may not be doing the right things on the field, but this is supposed to be what you say off of it. Mario on the criticism tossed his way by Isiah Kubiak, "I thought it was well-deserved. Obviously, the production hasn't been what everyone anticipated. I deserved to be called out. For me to be the No. 1 pick, I have to accept that responsibility. I feel like I have to set the standard, be a leader and keep everybody pumped up. I know I don't have any sacks, and as a unit, we have only three. I have to be held accountable. I have to be a leader and step up to the plate, and I realize that I have to get better to help the team."
So he is familiar with where the quarterback usually stands?
--Quick, who leads the league in rushing yards? Well, of course, that would be Willis McGahee. Huh? McGahee, Warrick Dunn and Tatum Bell (Tatum Bell?!) are your top three rushers. They have combined for 1, 2, 3, zero touchdowns. Michael Vick is 12th just ahead of Edgerrin James and Tiki Barber.
--Despite being the back-up to the best all-around RB in the league, despite only playing in two games, San Diago’s Michael Turner has outrushed the likes of Corey Dillon, Kevin Jones and Cadillac Williams.
--After Monday the Saints have already matched their win total from a season ago. The Texans will by the time week 13 rolls around so just be patient.
--Corey Bradford cut by the Lions. No way. Who saw that coming? Is that Matt Millen’s first bad move in Detroit?
--I’m not sure what the hell happened with Terrell Owens, but I’m sure Kim Etheredge is a bad publicist. C’mon T.O. “a man of your statue” should have a real publicist like myself. Did she put together a MySpace page for you? I would. Did she get you a guest spot on SportsRadio 610’s Sports Saturday with Rob and Danny? I would. Did she brush her hair and take the gum out of her mouth before appearing in front of millions on television? I would.
--Last year Niners QB Alex Smith tossed 11 INTs in 165 attempts. This year he has 108 attempts with 0 picks.
--Eat ‘em up Coogs, it’s payback time!!!
--The Big 12 finished its non-conference schedule 0-9 against ranked opponents. Ouch.
--If you listen to one extended rant on Michigan State's loss to Notre Dame last weekend make it this one.
If you're pressed for time start it at around the 2-minute mark, but really you just need to kick back and listen to someone who puts the "fan" in "fanatic."
Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts
--Bonzi a Rocket?! I like.
--I’ll be a happy man if I never live to see these words strung together again….Screech..sex tape…dirty sanchez. Tell me this tape isn’t being called Saved by the Smell.
--Stephon Marbury may do a lot of things wrong, but selling his own brand of sneakers for $15 is absolutely right. Starbury, “Cut these shoes in half. They are made the same as those expensive shoes. This is about finally taking the pressure off kids and their parents who think they have to spend $200 on performance shoes. I grew up poor. To us that’s grocery money.’’
--Does it get better than Green Apple Extra?
--Ladies and gentlemen your new Contender champion, Grady Brewer…
--Perhaps you remember a while back that the Coreys were shopping around a “reality” series. A&E has taken the bait and will launch The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys. It’s not so much reality as it is a You, Me and Dupree type of thing with Feldman and his wife as the You and Me leaving Haim as Dupree. It does not get better than Meredith Salenger or this…
For Corey Haim it didn’t get better than his scene with Nicole Eggert in the cinematic masterpiece Blown Away. Probably can’t post that clip here.
--Your dumbass criminal of the week comes to us from Ann Arbor. It was there that the 48-year-old dumbass robbed a house, taking some jewelry, cash, knives and a shotgun. Yet that wasn’t enough. Dumbass decided to call someone and get them to come over so he could rob them too. Not a lot of money in pizza delivery, but plumbing, yeah, that’ll work. Unless the plumber you called is well-versed in martial arts. The plumber responded to the emergency and found the dumbass in the basement with a shotgun. The plumber responded with a Tiger Claw (or some other cool sounding move of your choice) and wrestled the shotgun away from dumbass who ran until police caught up with him.
--Three people you don’t run smack at…George Hearst, Al Swearengen and any homeless person particularly in Detroit. You see the word “homeless” implies they have nothing to lose and the word “Detroit” implies they have or will soon commit a violent crime. Adam Andrews was on his way to a Tigers game the other day when he happened upon a homeless gent who had some toothpicks with American flags on the end.
Homeless man: “Help a veteran.”
Andrews: “You’re not a veteran.”
Homeless man: I stab you now.
Andrews took a pocketknife to his torso twice and now they get to see each other in court.
--The lovely and talented and lovely Jaime Pressly is engaged to and possibly pregnant by DJ Cubiche. By the way, this is near heresy, but two episodes in Earl has been better than The Office.
--Nothing screams rugged BMF like Charley Bronson. If True Romance’s Drexel uses you as an example of a bad ass, you’re a bad ass. If Bronson does a Japanese cologne commercial I expect more deaths by his hands than words from his mouth. And yet, ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Mandom.
--Apparently Shakira isn’t big on the club scene, but if Wyclef Jean invites you, you go. She did with a couple of rules. # 1- no cocktail glasses so she can go barefoot. # 2- eight bottles of Herradura tequila on hand. That’s a woman!
--It’s got to be hard to sum up the first two seasons of Lost in just sixty minutes. They did a good job on Wednesday, but c’mon can’t we get a little Shannon?
--The Stanford Band has been suspended by the school. Apparently the school didn’t think driving around a white Bronco with bloody handprints on the door at a USC game was funny. The show, “What if David Duke were president of Stanford” didn’t go over well either.
--Nick Carter told Howard Stern the other day that he once dated that hot teacher who likes ‘em young Debbie Lafave back when they were in school together. This is hard to imagine, but she cheated on him.
--Imagine that, Willie Nelson was caught with some marijuana. Willie, "It's a good thing I had a bag of marijuana instead of a bag of spinach, or else I'd be dead by now." Touche.
--I can’t find a job and yet this out of Salt Lake City: Teacher pleads guilty to using stun gun on student.
--West Point’s Class of 2005 is dubbed the “9/11 Class” since the attacks happened just weeks into its freshman year. In this crazy world the graduating Class of 2005 had exactly 911 graduates. 2nd Lt. Emily Perez among them and sadly the first of that class to die in Iraq. We can never say thank you enough.
Questions, comments or if you can’t stop shaking your head because of a certain baseball team…
