grace: September 2006

There Never was a City Kid Truer and Bluer

Don’t Wake Me

Incredible. Unbelievable. Magical. Fantastic. Laughable. Implausible. Unexplainable. Okay, I’ll stop there because this is very easy to explain. The Astros have won 9 straight games. The Cardinals have lost 8 of 9. There you have it. That’s how a team can go from dead, buried and ridiculed and under .500 to possibly the postseason. Que Milagro! Are these last 9 games supposed to make us forget about the first 150 games where the Astros underachieved, under whelmed and were under .500? Hell, yeah. Forgive and forget, baby. This last week we’ve had to follow, basically, two playoff games, every single day. And how fun has that been (since we’re in Houston and not in St. Louis)? I don’t know what else to say except kick back, relax, pop one open and enjoy the show. The last two years have been great, but nothing, nothing like what has happened over the last nine days and what’s to come over these next three. Bring it!

--On Thursday the Astros had just two innings in which they sent more than three men to the plate. Did it matter? Of course not. No team has won more than once this season when getting three hits or fewer. The Astros have won like that twice this month.

--The Blue Jays and Astros were the only teams over the last two years to not have come back to win from a deficit of five runs. Houston came off that list on Wednesday.

--Since 2001 Chris Carpenter had lost only once when given a three-run lead. He’s blown three-run leads in each of his last two starts.

--Biggest lead ever blown in September…6.5 games. Nine games ago Houston trailed St. Louis by 8.5.

Who’s Next?

Last week the Awful vs. Suck match-up went Awful’s way reinforcing the idea of Suck being a more derogative term. This week the Dolphins visit and we’ll finally have our Crap vs. Suck debate settled once and for all. In this corner is the Crap Dolphins who average just 12 points a game (27th), whose quarterback has been sacked more than any other, who lost to the Bills at home by 10, who got booed at home before eking out a 3-point win against the horrible Titans last week, who actually worked out Drew Henson this week. They are not good. No, in fact they are Crap. But the Texans are the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. All the proof you need is in this…Houston is dead last in yards allowed per game. That’s bad, but when the next worst team still allows 95 fewer yards a game than you, that’s real bad. It’s hard to get off the field when 68% of the time third downs are being converted on you. The awesome defense also leads the league in penalty yards. Fan-tastic. You don’t say it can’t get any worse, because we’ve seen it can. I’m not sure how the Texans will go about losing this game, but I know it will be in spectacular fashion. And if nothing else at least Daunte Culpepper is finally a viable fantasy option. He should probably just retire after this Sunday and go out on top with a record or two.

--You may not be doing the right things on the field, but this is supposed to be what you say off of it. Mario on the criticism tossed his way by Isiah Kubiak, "I thought it was well-deserved. Obviously, the production hasn't been what everyone anticipated. I deserved to be called out. For me to be the No. 1 pick, I have to accept that responsibility. I feel like I have to set the standard, be a leader and keep everybody pumped up. I know I don't have any sacks, and as a unit, we have only three. I have to be held accountable. I have to be a leader and step up to the plate, and I realize that I have to get better to help the team."
So he is familiar with where the quarterback usually stands?

--Quick, who leads the league in rushing yards? Well, of course, that would be Willis McGahee. Huh? McGahee, Warrick Dunn and Tatum Bell (Tatum Bell?!) are your top three rushers. They have combined for 1, 2, 3, zero touchdowns. Michael Vick is 12th just ahead of Edgerrin James and Tiki Barber.

--Despite being the back-up to the best all-around RB in the league, despite only playing in two games, San Diago’s Michael Turner has outrushed the likes of Corey Dillon, Kevin Jones and Cadillac Williams.

--After Monday the Saints have already matched their win total from a season ago. The Texans will by the time week 13 rolls around so just be patient.

--Corey Bradford cut by the Lions. No way. Who saw that coming? Is that Matt Millen’s first bad move in Detroit?
19-10. Eat it!

--I’m not sure what the hell happened with Terrell Owens, but I’m sure Kim Etheredge is a bad publicist. C’mon T.O. “a man of your statue” should have a real publicist like myself. Did she put together a MySpace page for you? I would. Did she get you a guest spot on SportsRadio 610’s Sports Saturday with Rob and Danny? I would. Did she brush her hair and take the gum out of her mouth before appearing in front of millions on television? I would.

--Last year Niners QB Alex Smith tossed 11 INTs in 165 attempts. This year he has 108 attempts with 0 picks.

--Eat ‘em up Coogs, it’s payback time!!!

--The Big 12 finished its non-conference schedule 0-9 against ranked opponents. Ouch.

--If you listen to one extended rant on Michigan State's loss to Notre Dame last weekend make it this one.
If you're pressed for time start it at around the 2-minute mark, but really you just need to kick back and listen to someone who puts the "fan" in "fanatic."

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Bonzi a Rocket?! I like.

--I’ll be a happy man if I never live to see these words strung together again….Screech..sex tape…dirty sanchez. Tell me this tape isn’t being called Saved by the Smell.

--Stephon Marbury may do a lot of things wrong, but selling his own brand of sneakers for $15 is absolutely right. Starbury, “Cut these shoes in half. They are made the same as those expensive shoes. This is about finally taking the pressure off kids and their parents who think they have to spend $200 on performance shoes. I grew up poor. To us that’s grocery money.’’

--Does it get better than Green Apple Extra?

--Ladies and gentlemen your new Contender champion, Grady Brewer…

--Perhaps you remember a while back that the Coreys were shopping around a “reality” series. A&E has taken the bait and will launch The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys. It’s not so much reality as it is a You, Me and Dupree type of thing with Feldman and his wife as the You and Me leaving Haim as Dupree. It does not get better than Meredith Salenger or this…

For Corey Haim it didn’t get better than his scene with Nicole Eggert in the cinematic masterpiece Blown Away. Probably can’t post that clip here.

--Your dumbass criminal of the week comes to us from Ann Arbor. It was there that the 48-year-old dumbass robbed a house, taking some jewelry, cash, knives and a shotgun. Yet that wasn’t enough. Dumbass decided to call someone and get them to come over so he could rob them too. Not a lot of money in pizza delivery, but plumbing, yeah, that’ll work. Unless the plumber you called is well-versed in martial arts. The plumber responded to the emergency and found the dumbass in the basement with a shotgun. The plumber responded with a Tiger Claw (or some other cool sounding move of your choice) and wrestled the shotgun away from dumbass who ran until police caught up with him.

--Three people you don’t run smack at…George Hearst, Al Swearengen and any homeless person particularly in Detroit. You see the word “homeless” implies they have nothing to lose and the word “Detroit” implies they have or will soon commit a violent crime. Adam Andrews was on his way to a Tigers game the other day when he happened upon a homeless gent who had some toothpicks with American flags on the end.
Homeless man: “Help a veteran.”
Andrews: “You’re not a veteran.”
Homeless man: I stab you now.
Andrews took a pocketknife to his torso twice and now they get to see each other in court.

--The lovely and talented and lovely Jaime Pressly is engaged to and possibly pregnant by DJ Cubiche. By the way, this is near heresy, but two episodes in Earl has been better than The Office.

--Nothing screams rugged BMF like Charley Bronson. If True Romance’s Drexel uses you as an example of a bad ass, you’re a bad ass. If Bronson does a Japanese cologne commercial I expect more deaths by his hands than words from his mouth. And yet, ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Mandom.

--Apparently Shakira isn’t big on the club scene, but if Wyclef Jean invites you, you go. She did with a couple of rules. # 1- no cocktail glasses so she can go barefoot. # 2- eight bottles of Herradura tequila on hand. That’s a woman!

--It’s got to be hard to sum up the first two seasons of Lost in just sixty minutes. They did a good job on Wednesday, but c’mon can’t we get a little Shannon?

--The Stanford Band has been suspended by the school. Apparently the school didn’t think driving around a white Bronco with bloody handprints on the door at a USC game was funny. The show, “What if David Duke were president of Stanford” didn’t go over well either.

--Nick Carter told Howard Stern the other day that he once dated that hot teacher who likes ‘em young Debbie Lafave back when they were in school together. This is hard to imagine, but she cheated on him.

--Imagine that, Willie Nelson was caught with some marijuana. Willie, "It's a good thing I had a bag of marijuana instead of a bag of spinach, or else I'd be dead by now." Touche.

--I can’t find a job and yet this out of Salt Lake City: Teacher pleads guilty to using stun gun on student.

--West Point’s Class of 2005 is dubbed the “9/11 Class” since the attacks happened just weeks into its freshman year. In this crazy world the graduating Class of 2005 had exactly 911 graduates. 2nd Lt. Emily Perez among them and sadly the first of that class to die in Iraq. We can never say thank you enough.

Questions, comments or if you can’t stop shaking your head because of a certain baseball team…

A Sad Story - Beware of Vintage Buttons

My good customer, Linda, recently purchased a vintage 1940's rayon suit from me. Linda was thrilled with the suit because it fit her perfectly. She took it to her favorite dry cleaner, whom she trusts with all her vintage garments. Sadly, the suit did not survive.

During the war years, garment manufacturers often had to make do with inferior quality fabrics and notions. This particular suit had pretty clear plastic buttons that complimented the white chiffon ruffles nicely.

Linda's dry cleaner didn't think the buttons were a problem, and so did not cover or remove them. Unfortunately, they melted during the dry cleaning process and made holes and stains on the suit jacket.

Linda asked me to share this with all of you. Please, please always remember to cover or remove the buttons from your fine vintage garments before having them cleaned. Older buttons, especially those from the war era, were not made to withstand the chemicals and heat of modern dry cleaning. By taking the time to protect your garment, you'll save yourself possible vintage heartache.

Hey Ladies in the Place I'm Callin' Out to Ya

Que Milagro

I really have no idea what to say about a team that did nothing, but disappoint and underachieve for months and months. And yet the Astros wake up Tuesday morning a mere 2.5 games out of first place in the division. Incredible. And here I thought it was time to focus on football and forget the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad baseball season. I say nothing more for fear of jinx, except thanks Astros. Even if it’s just for a couple of more days you’ve made this last week feel like the best parts of last season’s run.

--Someday I will understand why Phil Garner thinks Wandy Rodriguez is good. Okay, that’s a lie. I’ll never understand it. What the @#$^!# are you doing? I mean the guy loaded the freakin’ bases and he gets to face the possible MVP of the league in Ryan Howard? Why, cause it’s a lefty-lefty match up?! Chris Sampson, who has pitched great when given the chance, didn’t get the opportunity to work out of a jam when he let guys on first and second, but Wandy is good enough to work out of his mess? Huh? If you’re treating every game like a Game 7 then maybe you should have brought in Trever Miller to face Howard. Anyone, except Wandy freakin’ Rodriguez. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Okay, I feel better.

Surprise, Surprise

NFL, why have you forsaken the Texans? Please let them use 11 players on defense like everyone else. I know as Texans they should be tough enough to get by with eight players on defense, but it’s just really difficu…what’s that? The Texans are playing with 11 players on defense including the number one overall pick from this year’s draft?!? Oh, umm…please let the Texans use 14 players on defense, you see the problems they have with only 11. Playing with just 11 skews all of the stats and records. I hope you put an asterisk next to Mark Brunell’s record of 22 straight completions in one game. Who celebrates records they get against the Texans? Like that’s some kind of a big deal. Whoop-de-freakin-doo we set a record against the laughingstock of the football world. What a joke. C’mon Isiah Kubiak you’re better than this aren’t you? I know you’re not Mario Williams. Bust-a Whines said this after the game, “He (Brunell) was throwing the ball quickly for one thing and I was getting double- and triple- teamed.” Waaah, waaaah. When you are supposed to be the next big thing the fans, who already need to be persuaded and perhaps drunk to give you a chance, don’t want to hear you cry about a double-team. Especially when the fans didn’t see double, much less triple teams taking you out of the plays. No what the fans saw was you getting blocked rather easily by a fullback or a tight end. What makes you think teams think you deserve two blockers on you? This is what you say, “I’m still learning and I know I’ve got a long way to go. This franchise has shown faith in me and I won’t let them down and I won’t make excuses. We’re losing as a team and I’m getting my butt kicked as an individual. I’m as sick as the fans are, but I ask them to not give up on us because we will turn this mutha’ out!” Sorry to go Hammer on you right there, but you get the idea.

--Okay enough with the negativity. I’m Mr. Brightside so let’s get to those positives from Sunday’s game.
# 1- No one got seriously injured.
# 2- They made the Redskins punt twice, which is once more than the Colts had to.
# 3- Sure every time it was a penalty, but they, in fact, touched Mark Brunell.
# 4- Phillip Buchanon didn’t get hurt.
# 5- Washington didn’t have two 100-yard rushers like it did last time they beat on Houston.

--How sad is it when in fantasy leagues you start a team’s back-up running back if it is playing the Texans? I mean next week Lee Suggs and Marty Booker are must-starts right?

--Good luck to Chris Simms.

--We all know Vince is someone who just gets it and more proof of that came after he didn’t play for the first time this season, “I’m a team player, I’m not about Vince. Losing hurts. If losing feels good to anybody, I don’t know what that is.”

--Cellblock Cincy is at it again and this time is bringing down Reggie McNeal with it. Apparently Odell Thurman, who is serving a suspension for violating the league’s substance abuse policy, was out and about with Reggie and Chris Henry. Thurman was driving and at 3:05 AM was pulled over and quickly blew a .17 on a breathalyzer. That’s more than double the legal limit so he was arrested for driving under the influence. McNeal and Henry avoided charges, but Henry didn’t avoid embarrassment as he threw up out of the car window. I’m pretty sure Marvin needs to tell Chris Henry and Odell Thurman they aren’t allowed to hang out together. Reggie just needs to be straight-up grounded.

--The ’92 Chargers, ’95 Lions, and ’98 Bills are the only teams to ever start 0-3 and still make the playoffs. This year’s 0-3 teams include your Houston Texans, the Browns, the Titans, the Lion, the Bucs, and come next week the Raiders.

--The Steelers loss was their first in 32 games in which they had a 100-yard rusher. Willie went for 133 and had his first two touchdown game.

--How awesome were U2 and Green Day?! I’m sure it’ll be on YouTube by the end of today.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--I thought Lucky Number Slevin was going to be good or at least hold my interest, but I was wrong. It thought it was much more clever than it really was.

--Nice job at the Ryder Cup Phil, 0-4-1. Glad you and your little smirk made the trip.

--How can you not love Prince? The basketball phenom who also dabbles in music was spotted in Vegas at Tao ordering 40 shots of Patron tequila and a veggie burger. That, my friends, is a good night.

--Miss Cleo is a lesbian?! Who saw that coming…I mean besides her?

--Aaron Carter made the stupid mistake of taking back his marriage proposal to former Miss Teen USA Playboy model Kari Ann Peniche.

--If I’ve learned one thing in the past six months it’s that the Texans suck. If I’ve learned two things it’s that Bill Buford writes great books. First there was Heat, which was his exploration of cooking at a Mario Batali restaurant among other things. Then after watching Green Street Hooligans I was pointed in the direction of Buford’s Among the Thugs in which he throws himself into the world of firms. Fun things like this happen, “Harry wrestled one of the policemen to the ground, lifted him up by the chest and then head-butted him-inflicting a hairline crack across his forehead. With the blow, the policeman must have lost consciousness if only because he seemed to offer so little resistance to what Harry did next: he grabbed the policeman by the ears, lifted his head up to his own face and sucked on one of the policeman’s eyes, lifting it out of the socket until he felt it pop behind his teeth. Then he bit it off.” Oh, those wacky English football fans.

--Michelle Dessler/Reiko Aylesworth has come and sadly gone on 24. However, she will be one of the leads in Alien vs. Predator 2, so uhh, yeah, her career is going well.

--On Saturday I was all set to broadcast and you were, I’m sure, set to listen to the Woodlands College Park vs. Kingwood football game when the weather cancelled things. So the back-up plan for my evening’s entertainment was the UH/Oklahoma State game. We headed over to a Fox n Hound sure that the UH game would be on. So sure that the $5 cover charge for the UFC PPV didn’t dissuade us. The game wasn’t on, but the pay-per-view sure as hell was. Great, great stuff from top to bottom. BJ Penn was beating Matt Hughes the first two rounds and then Penn’sJames Toney-like conditioning cost him in the third and Hughes pounded him out. I love boxing, but MMA has a loyal following that the boxing world can only dream of. By the way, when Jorge Arce fights, like he did on Saturday on HBO you should watch.

--Lisa Evers’ job is difficult, but the pay seems to be good. The fun begins at the :35 second mark.

--A new season of My Name is Earl and The Office is underway and all is right with the world. Earl is great, but they could just show Jamie Pressly for 30 minutes and it would outstanding ratings. Dwight Schrute has a blog on NBC.com and this is what fall means to him...
"Football season starts. Campaigns get under way. Deers get ready to get hunted.
AND THE NEW SEASON OF "LOST" BEGINS!!!
What the $^$fjol!!09 is going to happen? Sawyer andKate and Jack have been absconsed by the OTHERS andtheir mysterious, charismatic leader (who played thatpsycho killer from "The Practice") I am on pins andstaples!
I would also like to say a few words about gays.
"Gay" used to mean jolly. Now it means a man or awoman who likes to make out with other men or women."

--Rarely do my picks turn out to be right, but I had Sergio from the beginning on the first Contender and I took Steve Forbes at the outset in this one. Forbes and Grady Brewer Tuesday night.

--If you look at one picture of a track and field judge with a javelin stuck in her foot make it this one.

--There’s a “Yung Onyx”? Apparently one of the members is the son of original Onyx member Big Kie.

--Six Flags Great America in Illinois (didn’t there used to be one here?) will give you unlimited line jumping privileges during FrightFest to anyone who eats a Hissing Madagascar cockroach, which are up to three inches long. Gee, you’ll never guess what group is upset about this. PETA, but you knew that already.

--Kurt Angle to TNA?! Seriously Kurt, take a freakin’ break!

--Lupe Fiasco is going to be kind of a big deal.
and coast...

--R.I.P. Dale Lloyd.

Questions, comments or if you’ve made the mistake of not listening to Ritual de lo Habitual from beginning to end since this century began…

An M.C. to a Degree That You Can't Get In College

Now or Never…or Until Week 8

The Redskins blow. The Texans suck. That’s right it’s the classic Blow vs. Suck battle to determine once and for all which it’s worse to be labeled as. Washington has dropped 10 straight games against AFC opponents so that’s nice. It’s also nice that Washington has a grand total of one touchdown. The Redskins are also converting just 22% of their third downs. That’s better than only Carolina and Oakland. Of course, Houston is allowing a league-worst 68% of 3rd downs to be converted so something’s gotta give. It’s not going to be pretty, but it better be a win. Of course, Redskins fan is thinking the same thing. Texans and Redskins fans can agree on one thing though…the Cowboys both blow and suck.

--Mario’s teammate at N.C. State, Manny Lawson, has two sacks and nine tackles for the Niners. Of course, the Texans would’ve looked silly taking Lawson # 1.

--Michael Vick leads the league with 10 rushes of 10+ yards. Warrick Dunn is 2nd with 9. Oh yeah and Vick has outrushed 34% of NFL teams.

--Remember when Roy Williams wasn’t just another loudmouthed idiot wide receiver?

--These things should be separated, but Chris Brown needs 113 rushing yards to pass Allen Pinkett for 9th on the Titans franchise list.

--The Cardinals have the Rams at home on Sunday. It’s been 19 years since Arizona has started 2-0 at home. That’s just sad.

--Jamal Lewis has more touchdowns than any Raven in club history. Todd Heap needs one more TD to break the tie at 2nd with?? Derrick Alexander? Michael Jackson? Shannon Sharpe? No Heap is currently tied with none other than Jermaine Lewis.

--I put a link to this awhile back, but it never hurts to revisit Bo who is lucky Mario Williams wasn’t around back then.

--I think one of the many reasons Herm Edwards has been so successful is the confidence he displays in his players. For example, his comments on going from Trent Green to Damon Huard at quarterback, "It's kind of like when you get a flat. And you get that little tire they give you now - they don't give you a real tire anymore. And your driving your car with that. And you're thinking 'If can get another day before I get this other one fixed, right? (laughs) And then that one blows out on you and you go 'Oh boy, I'm in trouble'. You can't go very long. And your car kind of sits sideways a little bit. You don't want to ride around in a car like that."

The Season Keeps Going…and Going…and Going

Apparently the Astros are still playing. The only time I pay attention is when the man, the myth, the Rocket is on the mound. I can’t believe he’s going to pitch on Sunday on three days rest. That’s right Cardinals, you about to get no-hit (for 6 innings). Then the always reliable bullpen is going to shut you down completing the four-game sweep. Then the Astros will be just 3.5 and you will be scared and probably lose the rest of your games and Houston will win the division. Am I high? If I’m asking myself I guess I know the answer.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--How great was that version of Kriss Kross’ “Jump” on Dancing with the Stars? Is it just me or does Mario Lopez sound and have the exact same mannerisms as Oscar De La Hoya? It’s freaky.

--If you like your westerns in the style of Peckinpah and Leone then The Proposition is for you. If you like Guy Pearce and Ray Winstone then The Proposition is for you. If you like flies then The Proposition is for you.

--No, really Courtney Love has been called in to help Whitney Houston get cleaned up.

--Aaron Carter is engaged to Kari Ann Peniche. Nice choice, much better than Hilary or firecrotch Lindsey. And congratulations to Lindsey for making it six days now since she’s been photographed without knickers.

--In the easiest decision HBO has ever made it gave Entourage another season. The final eight new episodes of this season come early next year. New rule: new year = new season. I mean its going to be off the air for five or six months and they’re calling that the same season? Not just Entourage, but The Shield and Sopranos as well.

--A Reservoir Dogs video game coming out next month? Apparently Michael Madsen wanted the Mr. Pink role, but that, of course, went to Steve Buscemi thankfully. Madsen is Mr. Blonde. The razor that he used to ginsu Marvin’s ear was also used by Uma in Kill Bill. Reservoir Dogs is a top five for me that will never get knocked off.

--Best thing Russell Crowe has ever done.

--There’s going to be an Old School Dos?!

--Jay-Z had a party at the 40/40 club for 40/40 club member Alfonso Soriano?

--Blender interviewed Borat the other day. Among the highlights…
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
It is a nice temperatures. I am very comfy. It is great honor to be in a room with a chairs and windows made from glass.
Paris Hilton: hot or not?
Who is this Paris Hilton, can you show me picture? [Borat is shown a photo of Paris Hilton.] No, I not familiar with this boy.
Hot sexual position?
The doggie. The man stand behind and the dog stand in front. It is naughty, but I like. Why not!?

--I’m sure you’ve been counting the minutes until Saturday Night Live returns. I’m not big on him, but for you Dane Cook lovers out there he’s hosting. More importantly The Killers are performing. If you didn’t know axed from SNL were Finesse Mitchell, Chris Parnell, and three years too late Horatio Sanz.

--Forty years ago this week Jimmy Hendrix was on a flight to London and decided Jimi looks better than Jimmy.

--Fifteen years ago this week "I Adore Mi Amor" hit # 1.

--Nothing to do here except reprint the headline from the Northwest Florida Daily News: Polygraph test to decide winner of fishing tournament.

--Jon, Stephen and Steve

--Concord High School is putting Baby in a corner. The school is going to cancel all remaining dances unless students stop “grinding.” Let’s hear from a senior girl, “We were raised to dance like that.” Okay.

--I had checked out by then, but Jennifer Love Hewitt on Kids Incorporated with Fergie and some big-nosed girl in the background.

Questions, comments, or if you got a new video iPod and don’t know how you lived without one…

I've Been Dropping the New Science and Kicking the New K-nowledge

Yeah, That’s About Right

Who would have thought two weeks in to the season the Texans would be 0-2? Everyone? Okay, who would have thought two weeks in to the season that David Carr would be a sympathetic figure? No one. That’s kinda the way it’s playing out right now though. The Texans are a bad football team, but David Carr has been pretty decent. I mean he is 2nd, 2nd in the league in passer rating. Four spots better than Peyton Manning. He hasn’t thrown a pick and he has remembered that Andre Johnson is on his team. It’s just everything around David has been awful. From both lines to the corners to the outside linebackers to the inexplicable naked bootlegs. Mario Williams? Well, he got closer to the quarterback this week so that’s something. That’s the best compliment I can give him. The best I can give the team? Ummmm…they aren’t the worst 0-2 team in the league. But if they don’t beat the equally pathetic Redskins they are one step closer to that # 2 overall pick. Two weeks in and it’s safe to say the Raiders have the # 1 pick locked up.

--David Carr has 4 touchdown passes. The following quarterbacks have zero: Jakes (Delhomme and Plummer), Ben Roethlisberger, Mark Brunell and Jon Kitna. Chris Simms hasn’t either, but who here does that surprise. Why Jon Gruden thought he had a player in Simms is beyond me. Yeah, he was okay last season, but asking him to throw the ball 53 times is just dumb.

--How safe is David Carr’s job? Pretty safe according to CNN/SI’s list of top 10 quarterbacks on the hot seat. Carr isn’t listed. Chris Simms is at 10. Jake Delhomme is inexplicably at 9. Even more inexplicable is Damon Huard at 8. Huh? The backup quarterback who is in for two, maybe three games is on the hot seat? We’ll just stop right there.

--If you’re forever trying to figure out exactly why Mario Williams was taken over Reggie Bush. Charley Casserly had this to say about the Bush payment stuff that broke open this past week, "All the things that came out this week (about alleged recruiting violations) we knew before the draft. ... But it did not affect our decision." So we still have no good or logical reason why the Texans gave the city a big middle finger. Here’s some of what Charley told The Washington Post: "It is going to be debated. But you don't make decisions about a young man's career after two games. . . . It came down to the fact that you need an outstanding defensive end to build a great football team. We knew Reggie Bush would be a good player. We didn't have any question about that. But Mario Williams is going to be a terrific player. He has all the talent and desire to do it. There's no reason he won't do it.”

Even better news Charley will be rooting for the Texans instead of the Redskins this week, "I have strong feelings for both teams. But I'll be rooting for the Texans on Sunday because of all the players and all the recent associations I have there with all the coaches and other people."

--The Chargers have two guys in the top 8 in the league in rushing. Of course, that LaDainian guy is 5th, but his back-up Michael Turner is 8th. 9th is Michael Vick. To this point Vick has outrushed Tiki Barber.

--DeMeco Ryans is 5th in the league in tackles with 20.

--I’m thinking Antonio Bryant isn’t going to average 30.6 yards a catch all season. His first 8 have averaged that though.

--If you have the time to go through all of this it is probably well worth it. For the love of all that is good we are talking about Tecmo updated for this season. This guy is actually playing each week’s set of games and you’ll never guess, but the Tecmo Texans lost to the Tecmo Colts 28-7.

--The Jets haven’t scored in the first quarter in 16 straight games. Ouch. Are you saying I should drop Curtis Martin?

--For the first time since 1961 the Raiders have gone their first two games without getting into the end zone.

--On Sunday morning did Ron Jaworski just tell me to sit Larry Johnson?! I’d like to invite him and Mort to my league.

--So how did the Jaguars gear up for their big Monday Nigher against the Steelers? With the Jacksonville mayor proclaiming it All Teal Day, of course. Nothing screams intimidation like teal.

--How horrible is NBC’s Football Night in America? Just awful except for those wonderful moments of awkward silence. Oh well, just have to be patient and wait for Chris and Tom on The Blitz on SportsCenter. They aren’t football highlights unless ESPN’s Prime Time music is behind them.

--U2 and Green Day in Nawlunz next Monday night for the game = good idea. Having the smart George Bush toss the coin = maybe not so good.

--By now we’ve all heard of the Northern Colorado back up punter who stabbed the starting punter in the back of his thigh to get his job. If not then how did you end up here? Anyway, as luck would have it Northern Colorado got its first road win in three years in large part due to a blocked punt. C’mon Texas State, you’re better than, well maybe not.

--Who in the wide world of AP voting gave votes to Texas A&M to be in the top 25? Are you kidding me? The Aggies have beaten Louisiana-Lafayette, The Citadel, and barely, barely squeaked past Army.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--All the King’s Men looks pretty good even if Sean Penn may kick up overacting another notch. It looks even better now that I’ve heard Kelly Leak/Jackie Earle Haley has a part as a bodyguard. Apparently the guy is on a bit of a comeback.

--All new Office and to a lesser extent, but not much lesser all new My Name is Earl coming up on Thursday.

It’s now weeks instead of months for new Lost episodes.

--C’mon Houston, not selling out Verizon Wireless Theatre for the Raconteurs was inexcusable. No wonder we get bypassed by good acts. Helluva show and that Jack White has a future with his guitar. Highlight: Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down).

--Old people and Florida get along just fine unless said old people are locked in a car with the windows up on a sunny Florida afternoon. Two women were in their car when the battery failed disabling the power locks. The manual locks inside the car were working just fine. But what elderly person has ever had to unlock a car door manually? So these ladies were in that hot car in Daytona Beach for nearly two hours. Thankfully they had a tissue box in the car and wrote a message for help on it. Finally someone walking by spotted it and called help. Rescue workers arrived and instead of telling the women to unlock the doors the workers simply smashed the windows. Live and learn.

--Everyone celebrate, apparently Jeff Brantley has told ESPN he won’t be back next season! Brantley’ highlight this season was his rant on the Astros sucking because they didn’t have any leaders since Jeff Bagwell left. Clemens, you say? Well he only pitches every fifth day.

--More celebrations people for we are getting another season of Pros vs. Joes! Who watched that crap? Stay away this time Clyde, just stay away.

--Your incredibly worthless, 20 years too late lawsuit of the week comes to us from the group who gave us “My Sharona.” Of course, that would be the Knack. It has filed a copyright infringement lawsuit against Run D.M.C. and producer Rick Rubin among others for “It’s Tricky.” According to the still very relevant Knack, Run D.M.C. sampled a “signature” riff from Sharona. Why did this lawsuit take so long? Because the Knack say it hadn’t heard “It’s Tricky” before 2005. My question is if they heard it from Road Trip or SSX video game commercials.

--Dayton doesn’t exactly give us easy to follow news:
"DAYTON — Aug. 24: A resident of Alcott Avenue reported her ex-boyfriend stole her vehicle while she slept. She was awakened by a phone call from the Ohio Highway Patrol notifying her that her vehicle was totaled on Interstate 70. The complainant said her ex-husband and his son, who live in Richmond, Ind., spotted the ex-boyfriend in Richmond and took the vehicle from him. Her ex-husband's son was returning it and wrecked it."
Wha happened?!?

--If I had known Marco Antonio Barrera was now speaking English maybe I would have avoided last Saturday’s fight with Rocky Juarez. Though if I had done that I would have missed two great undercard fights. You do remember how to fight don’t you, Marco? If one guy ever deserves a pass it’s Barrera. He knew he could simply outbox Rocky and win and that’s exactly what he did. Oh well, I know he’ll give us at least one more war before he rides off into the sunset.

--One more boxing note…Houston’s own lightweight title holder and current UH student Juan Diaz was set to sign with the Golden Boy Promotions, which is like DX and The Four Horseman stables all rolled into one. It has the flash, the media coverage, and the veteran leadership to turn Diaz into a star. But Monday Diaz decided to go to the dark side and sign with Don King. Why? Well for one Diaz’s manager says that King promised him a $550,000 signing bonus. You know how much those King promises are worth. If you don’t ask Mike Tyson or Chris Byrd. Maybe Diaz will get paid and maybe he’ll become a star. I just think it’ll be a lot harder doing it under Don King and Showtime. Just sad, but good luck Juan, you’ll need it.

--When you see them around make sure you congratulate LaLa and Carmelo who are expecting. They are getting married after the baby’s birth, which is how the cool people do it nowadays.

--24 years ago this week The Clash’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go Now” peaked at #45 on the pop singles chart. # 45?!

--I don’t have kids so far be it from me to criticize when I don’t know how I would act in this situation, but I probably wouldn’t do what the Kampfs did when they learned their 19-year-old daughter was pregnant by a man now in jail. The Kampfs chased their daughter out into the yard, grabbed her, tied her hands and feet up, threw her in the car and drove off to New York which the parents thought had laxer laws on abortion than their home state of Maine. At some point in New Hampshire she convinced her parents to untie her so she could use the restroom at K-mart. They did and once she got inside the store she called the police and then ran into a Staples and hid from her parents. The cops found the parents and inside their Lexus was rope, duct tape, scissors and ho-hum a 22-caliber rifle. Daddy had a clip in his pocket. They were jailed for kidnapping and I’m sure the entire family will be laughing about this at the Thanksgiving table in a couple of months.

--Your next terrible, horrible, no good, very bad story comes to us from Oregon. It was there this past weekend that 18-year-old Lukus Glenn came home drunk. Lukus has had a rough time what with no prospects for college and his long-term relationship ending. He was feeling suicidal and grabbed a knife and held it to his throat. At that point his mother decided to pick up the phone, "When I called 9-1-1, I called to save my son, to get some professional help. Maybe I'm naive." The cops came and saw Lukus outside the house. He refused to drop the knife so they shot rounds of bean bags at him. Lukus then turned and started running inside the house. Exit: rounds of bean bags. Enter: rounds of bullets. He died on the spot and his grandmother who was sleeping inside nearly died as the bullets sprayed the house. The police said they shot because they were afraid Lukus was going to hurt family inside the house.

--One more Office promo.

Questions, comments or if you think it’s high time Jonny Quest got made into a movie…

Steady As She Goes

Short and sweet this time as I’ll be going to The Raconteurs concert Thursday night and will be completely worthless until Friday night or so. So just a little bit of football and a lot of crap. Enjoy!

--Not that the Texans aren’t going to shock the world, but the Colts are 12-2 in September since 2002.

--When the headline reads “Punter makes worst shank of his life” you know this has potential. We head to Northern Colorado and the all-important punting job. The school has been outscored in its first two games 83-10 so the backup punter took matters in his own hands. Backup punter Mitch Cozad waited outside of starting punter Rafael Mendoza’s apartment and then when Rafael showed his face and more importantly to Cozad his leg Cozad stabbed him in the back of his right leg. Genius then decided to flee in his own car complete with personalized plates which presumably read DMBASS. Cozad was quickly expelled, kicked off the team, and will likely be a part of the next Longest Yard or Gridiron Gang.

--In case you missed Tom Jackson asking Michael Irvin the question the world has been waiting to hear the answer to…

--The Bengals have a bunch of turds on that team, but you can’t help but root for guys like Chad Johnson and Carson Palmer. Apparently Chad wrote a book and was at a book signing on Monday. One fan told Chad to tell Carson to throw him the ball more. Chad told the fan to tell Carson himself and Chad broke off a call to Carson and handed the phone to the fan, Brian Fleming. Carson didn’t answer so Fleming left him a message before wandering around the bookstore. A little later Carson called Chad back and Chad yelled for Fleming. He was still around and so the fan got to tell Carson himself to throw Chad the ball more. Can we get someone to break David Carr off a call to throw Andre Johnson the ball more?

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--Move over Mario Lopez (who sounds exactly like Man Lawmaker Oscar De La Hoya). Make way for your next Dancing With The Stars champion Emmitt Smith. The former Arizona Cardinal was outstanding and light years better than Jerry Rice. Mario will make a long run and that’s fine as long as his partner keeps wearing less and less. Tucker Carlson sucked and they really didn’t need to wait for a results show the following day to boot him.
Jerry Springer's lovely Australian partner. Jerry Springer not pictured.

--Your DrudgeReport headline of the week: Bush to hold talks on ‘Ali G’ creator after diplomatic row. Apparently the Kazakhstan government isn’t fond of Borat and will start an educational campaign to refute Borat’s portrayal of Kazakhstan. This despite the fact no one would even know Kazakhstan exists if not for Borat.

--Because you’ll never see a better Jean Claude Van Damme/Mentos commercial today. Bonus: Forrest Whitaker. When does The Shield get going again?

--The other day on one of the Max’s they showed one of my all-time favorites…Moving Violations. It was one of those movies I watched over and over as a kid back in the I Love The 80’s. It’s very stupid and very hilarious and had the same writer as the Police Academy movies. It starred some acting relatives including the memorable brother of Bill and Brian-Doyle, John.
Apparently the role was going to go to Michael J. Fox, but the studio didn’t want him. James Keach was part of the fun as well as the by-the-book cop teaching a bunch of traffic school punks. Jennifer Tilly had her first main role and was outstanding. How can you not like a movie that has not only Wendie Jo Sperber, but Fred Willard as well. By the way, how has Wendie Jo not been on Celebrity Fit Club? And let’s not forget the “Where’s the beef?” lady. Until the other night I hadn’t seen it in probably 18 years so didn’t think the Juicy Burgers employee was anything to notice. Until I noticed it was Don Cheadle making his feature film debut.

--Rachel Bilson as Wonder Woman? Fine by me.

--Your MySpace story of the week is one of those that I can’t believe hasn’t happened already. 22-year-old Heather Kane was arrested after allegedly trying to hire someone to kill a girl whose picture was on Heather’s boyfriend’s MySpace page. She met with an undercover officer, gave him $400 before the kill and offered $100 after it. The girlfriend from hell also gave the cop some pics of the girl and requested one of the girl dead. Paging Shannen Doherty, paging Shannen Doherty, we have a break up we’d like to make happen on your show.

--Whitney and Bobby are done.
Not really sure which one this is.

--Hey firecrotch, get some freakin’ knickers already.

--Segway is having to recall over 23,000 of those wonderful scooters because of a glitch. First off 23,000?! Who’s buying these things? Clutch has the only one I’ve ever seen in person. The glitch is that a malfunction can make the wheels suddenly go in reverse. Out-standing.

Questions, comments, or if you dream in HD…

I Come Out At Night 'Cause I Sleep All Day

The More Things Change…

Why some people were picking the Texans over the Eagles was just beyond me. One team is two years removed from the Super Bowl while the other is months removed from a 2-14 season and months removed from the stupidest number 1 pick in history. Yeah, it’s just one game and it’s not fair to judge on just one week of football, but screw that, life isn’t fair particularly in the world of football. For months I’ve been trying to get over the stupidity of this club taking Mario Williams over Reggie Bush and now I’m resigned to the fact I’ll never get over it. Just stupid. I’m not expecting multiple sack games right out of the chute, but something to get excited about, just something. Note to Mario: the L1 button gives you a swim move. Try it. Try anything. Try playing dead and then when the lineman goes to check on you, crawl between his legs and get to the freakin’ quarterback. You have a better shot at getting to the QB that way than just going straight into a blocker. Maybe yell “Boo!!” every once in awhile and perhaps disrupt him that way. Are the coaches not teaching him anything? Are they asking too much of him? Is he always going to be that winded after doing nothing of importance? Is the number one overall pick always going to line up at defensive tackle on passing downs? Is he going to have to be pulled a lot? Just stupid. Even if Reggie Bush had done nothing Sunday I’d still be just as upset. To me, it’s not so much about what Reggie and Vince do, but it’s what Mario does and right now he ain’t done jack. Stupid, stupid, stupid. This club needs to appeal to the league for a do-over. You never know, the NFL may take pity on us. And by “us” I mean the fans who want desperately to support this team, but still don’t have a reason to other than DeMeco Ryans. At least you guys got that one right. Congratulations, can’t wait to see what you do with the first pick in the second round next season.

--Among the things that didn’t change…David Carr was sacked five times and almost once by the turf, the team was held under 100 yards rushing and under 200 through the air, false start on the left tackle, 3-11 on third downs, 5.3 yards per pass, Philip Buchanon got hurt, and oh yeah, they lost.

--I miss you NFL PrimeTime. NBC’s Football Night America or whatever they call it has an interesting set and that’s about it. I’d really like to hear more about Jerome Bettis’ Super Bowl ring and definitely more from Pink.

--The Colts are going to bring in Drew Henson for a look?!

--The NFL’s ban on Gary Glitter’s “Rock and Roll Part 2” (something about molesting teenage girls in Vietnam) has forced some teams to change their touchdown celebration music. The Patriots are now going with U2’s “Elevation” after TDs and the “1812 Overture” after the extra points.

--On the all-time receptions list…Rod Smith is now 15th after becoming the first undrafted player to tally 800 catches. Isaac Bruce is 11th on the list with 818 after passing Henry Ellard and Shannon Sharpe.

--Baltimore’s win at Tampa Bay was its first on the road since November of 2004.

--For the first time in 10 games Larry Johnson didn’t rush for over 100 yards. Anyone want to trade him to me? 340 pound Ravens defensive tackle Haloti Ngata rumbled 61 yards with a fumble before being stopped. Shaun Alexander ran for 56 yards for the entire game. Anyone want to trade him to me?

--Rex Grossman is now 3-0 at Lambeau Field. That’s how bad things are up in Green Bay. Despite how good Chicago’s defense has been the last few years it was its first shutout since 2001. It was the first time Green Bay has been blanked since 1991 when I thought KLF was going to rule the music world for years to come. Still waiting on that. By the way, the longest streak of not being shut out belongs to the Vikings who haven’t been blanked in 234 games.

--Your “Did You Know” of the week…Peyton and Eli Manning are brothers and their teams played each other this week.

--In other absolutely shocking and out of nowhere news…on ESPN’s Sunday pregame show Tom Jackson asked Michael Irvin, “Are you retarded?” Mind you this question was posed to Irvin before he showed off the tie he stole from a little person prior to Monday’s Countdown.
I'll probably never see this.

--The Lions put up all of six points last week and play the Bears this week. I’m not saying every UT longhorn has a blunt a day habit, but here’s Roy Williams on the upcoming game at Soldier Field, “We will win this game. You can all take that as a guarantee or whatnot, but we will win this game.”

--Was that Ahman Green going over 100 yards on the ground?

Stay Classy Columbus

For the second year in a row I watched the Ohio State/Texas game on DVR after I was done broadcasting our high school game of the week. In case you didn’t hear, this year the Buckeyes won. Easily the best part was seeing ABC show Ted Ginn’s father in the stands with this informative graphic underneath, "Ted Ginn, Sr., Ted Jr.'s Father." Thanks for that, I was getting confused. A lot of credit goes to the good fans of the Buckeyes for celebrating in a manner befitting the number one team in the nation. Let’s see at last check it was 16 students arrested around their campus. One former male cheerleader among them. He is facing aggravated vehicular assault charges after running over three people near the Ohio Union. Four cars were set on fire and a mere 45 trash bin fires for Ohio firefighters to put out. The school and city official actually set up a temporary command post on campus in anticipation of that kind of crap. How sad is that? Anyway, Texas, it was a nice run and now it’s time to start a new streak. And thanks to both schools for taking these two games against each other. Your national title dreams can be dashed by mid-September, but you were man enough to take them. Last year Texas won it all and this year Ohio State will do the same.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--At some point Sunday I looked up and saw the Astros were just three games out of the wild card. Huh, imagine that. So I actually checked in on the games on Sunday and Monday. 20 straight scoreless innings. That’ll learn me.

--Paris and Travis Barker?!

--If you like Nine Inch Nails and Star Trek you’ll probably like this. If you don’t like either of those things you’ll probably like this.

--This is probably the most hilarious/most sad/most hilarious thing I’ve seen in a long time. Thanks to the Westfield cheerleaders and channel 2 for making my day. The girl ended up being okay, well except for the fact that her cheerleader friends apparently hate her.

--You’d think Orioles pitcher Hayden Penn would be happy lowering his ERA from 108.00 to 36.82, but he’s not. On Sunday he shaved a digit off his ERA by allowing “just” seven runs in less than 4 innings to the Yankees.

--Tim Burton is going to direct a Killers video?!

--The new Dancing With The Stars begins Tuesday. Go get 'em Emmitt.

--High-speed police chases happen in New Hampshire?! Yes and no. Yes, there was one, but the driver took his car through three different towns and actually stopped at every single red light he encountered. Because of that police eventually boxed him in at a red light. Maybe that’s one less thing Joshua Grant gets charged with.

--An entrance only Borat can pull off.

--If you watch one battle between a not-that-there’s-anything-wrong-with-that weather man and a cockroach. Make it this one…

--I can’t believe I never heard or realized Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas was on Kids Incorporated. Apparently Jennifer Love Hewitt was as well. The things you learn…

----An unnamed bicycle rider in Greenville had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. First he veered into traffic and was hit by a car. That’s not good. The rider sat and waited for an ambulance, but evidently he didn’t wait far enough from traffic…so he was run over again. Fortunately the ambulance came and didn’t run over him.

--Good luck on Saturday to Rocky Juarez who gets another crack at Marco Antonio Barrera. The two undercard fights don’t look too shabby either.

--Was that Oscar de la Hoya sitting at the table with the other esteemed Man Lawmakers?! Oscar?!

Questions, comments or if you actually won a fantasy game in which you started a Raider…

What's The Time? - It's Time To Buy Ale

Here We Go

As we approach week one ‘tis time to put aside all of the bad and wrong the Texans have done in the past. Time to forget that the team had a lame duck general manager in charge of its draft and the bulk of its offseason. Time to forget David Carr is entering his 5th year and is only regressing. Time to forget that the number one overall pick was used on a guy who is going to play a lot of defensive tackle. Time to forget Vince and Reggie (like that’s possible). Time to forget all those wonderful free agent signings bringing in the likes of Todd Wade and Morlon Greenwood. Time to forget Domanick Davis has a boo-boo that’s going to keep him out all season. Time to forget that Andre Johnson has been wasted his first three years here. If you’re having trouble forgetting then I suggest Jager or perhaps the smooth taste of Goldschlager or Rumpleminze. After that if you still remember that this team wasted a 2-14 season then I suggest you mix all three. Just remember to wake up by noon on Sunday because it’s about to be on!
Any doubt Sage Rosenfels is a better hitter?

--Sportsbook.com has odds out on who will be this year’s NFL MVP. You’ll never guess the favorite. Oh wait, you did. Peyton Manning # 1 at 7-1 followed by 8-1s Larry Johnson and Shaun Alexander. Tom Brady 9-1. LaDainian and Carson Palmer at 10-1. A group at 15-1 includes Michael Vick, T.O., and Kurt Warner. Kurt Warner at 15-1?! I’m thinking that’s not good value. Edge at 20-1, but it might as well be 2,000-1.

--Not that this helps your fantasy team, but Atlanta’s Michael Koenen will punt, kick field goals/extra points and handle kickoffs. It’s been about 25 years since only one person has handled all of those duties.

--For me Ohio State and Texas will have to wait until I’m done calling the Katy/Woodlands game. If you’re going to have to wait until midnight to start watching college’s 1 vs. 2 I can’t think of a better reason than Katy/Woodlands.

--I don’t understand why Tony Siragusa was hired by Fox and this probably wasn’t his idea, but towards the end of a Dolphins/Panthers game Greg “Cat Man” Good (equivalent of Texans Freak) was told he was going to win a car. So Tony Siragusa waddled over to him and gave him a brand new toy car. Oh, the hilarity. I’ll wait for you to call your friends with that side-splitting story. Now clean up your keyboards and we’ll go on. So The Charlotte Observer ran a story on the hilarity and Fox Sports Chairman and CEO David Hill decided to make things right by giving Good a new Ford F-150. Try not to laugh, but Hill said, “I take the reputation of Fox Sports very seriously, and I don't want it to be sullied.”
Almost as hilarious as promising people cars and giving them toys is promising people 100 Grand and giving them a candy bar. Damn, I’m glad we’re not a station like that.

--Time for those all-important predictions…
AFC East- Dolphins NFC East- Eagles
AFC North- Bengals NFC North- Vikings
AFC South- Colts NFC South- Falcons
AFC West- Broncos NFC West- Seahawks
Wild Cards- Patriots, Steelers
Wild Cards- Bears, Panthers
Super Bowl- Colts vs. Falcons
winner, winner, chicken dinner- Colts
(If these aren’t worthless by week six it’ll be a miracle)

Are We There Yet?

Apparently the Astros are still playing. I was not aware.

--When I went to Round Rock last month I was curious to see the strikeout machine known as Charlton Jimerson. I mean 183 strikeouts in 123 games blows anything Preston Wilson did out of the freakin’ water. The first six pitches he saw in this particular game were six strikes and I was duly impressed. On Monday he made his first Major League plate appearance and of course, he smacked an absolute bomb. Four hundred and forty feet later Jimerson became the third Astro to homer in his first plate appearance. The others to do it were Jose Sosa in ’75 and Dave Matranga in 2003. On Saturday Indian Kevin Kouzmanoff smacked a grand slam on the very first pitch he saw in his very first at-bat.

----His ERA is about a run and a half higher, but Brad Lidge has only blown 5 saves while Jason Isringhausen is up to 10 now.

--The nearly 28 months (6,364 games) between Randy’s perfect game and Anabal Sanchez’s no-hitter is the longest gap between no-hitters in major league history. Despite only being around for just more than 10 years it was Florida’s 4th no-no. The Mets still waiting on # 1. The last no-hitter before Randy’s? I’m sure you said the Astros and you are correct. That one was courtesy of Roy Oswalt, Pete Munro, Kirk Saarloos, Brad Lidge, Billy Wagner and Octavio Dotel. Back to Sanchez, he had Tommy John surgery three years ago. So I’m penciling in 2008 for Brandon Backe’s no-no.

--Johan Santana not only leads the AL, but MLB in wins (17), strikeouts (219) and ERA (2.84).

--Through 138 games in their respective big homer seasons…Babe Ruth- 50. Roger Maris- 53. Ryan Howard- 53.
I'm not positive, but I think that ball ends up 475 feet away from Ryan.

--Jason Giambi finally shaved that horrible thing he was calling a mustache.

--Cla “no ‘y’ needed” Meredith now has 27.1 straight scoreless innings. To go over it again the Red Sox sent both Josh Bard (.325) and Cla (4-1, 0.79 ERA) to San Diago for Doug Mirabelli (.182) who is the personal catcher of Tim Wakefield who is on the disabled list. It’s been a good year in Boston.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--If you see one movie about football hooliganism starring Elijah Wood and Claire Forlani this year make it Green St. Hooligans. Very strong.

--Apparently Jessica Simpson and John Mayer are no more. Whoever told Jessica to cut her hair should also probably be out of a relationship with her. Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth also done. As well as David Spade and Heather Locklear. Spade and Teri Hatcher could be back on. (cough) passion wagon (cough). Penelope and Mr. Alright, Alright, Alright could also be back on.

--What kind of world do we live in when an entertainer whose life has touched us all can’t drive a little fast to an In-N-Out Burger because she’s hungry and had been working all day? The world has your back Paris. Fight the Power!!

--Oh, Oklahoma, thank you for making my column so easy to write. In Snyder, Oklahoma the mayor had to launch an investigation. Why? Well, apparently the wife of the chief of police is a plus-sized porn model on the Internet. I’ll spare you any pics. Anyway, some Snyder-onians?, Snyder-ites? decided it would be funny to download some pics, make copies and pass them around. That is what got the investigation going. Let’s hear from one of the good citizens of Snyder, "When our kids come home from school telling us that the chief's wife is a porno queen, how do you answer that?" How, indeed, how indeed.

--Thankfully the next Christopher Guest mockumentary comes us this fall. Among others For Your Consideration will have Fred Willard and drumroll…Ricky Gervais. Sold!

--Because it’s going to be outstanding…one more time the trailer for Darren Aronofosky’s The Fountain.
Darren's lovely wife who also stars in the movie.

--Ladies and gentlemen, there’s another entry into the 0% RottenTomatoes Hall of Shame. Joining the likes of Baby Geniuses 2, Zoom, and Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is the White Man Can’t Jump/Above the Rim combination Crossover. A sample of what the critics offer…
“Crossover is not just awful it’s gloriously, stupendously, magnificently awful. And best of all it has Wayne Brady as the bad guy.”
“Space Jam had better basketball scenes.”
“There will never be a tamer, lamer movie made about streetball.”

--Season 2 of Lost is now out on DVD. Season 3 begins October 4th.
Lucky Charlie.

--Just like I was late on catching on to Weeds, I was late in catching on to Extras. Ricky Gervais running down Ben Stiller by asking if he was Starsky or Hutch was classic.

--If during this offseason you need you some Charles Barkley quotes here ya go.
Sir on one Stromile Swift, "He's one of those guys. We're gonna be saying for years it's time for him and the time is going to be over. It's frustrating for me, man, when I see a guy with that kind of ability. I think we can fairly say the jury is still out, but we've been saying that for (six) years. You know, one of my favorite lines on television and he's in that category, is, man, that boy can run and jump. So can a deer. But I'd never put a deer in a game."

--Maybe one day I’ll get tired of Stacy Keibler, but that day is not today. Great idea WWE.

--Writing of WWE, I don’t really keep up with it anymore, but apparently there’s a new tag team in town.

--For the last time, Sean from the South Belt, Ari’s Lloyd and ESPN’s Darren Lyn are two entirely different people. Some people really need their Entourage fix.

--R.I.P. Steve Irwin.

Questions, comments or if you are in three fantasy leagues and had the honor of picking 9th, 11th, and 12th…

Why I Love Vintage Clothing - The Gusset

1950's Dress with High Cut Armholes

Have you ever noticed when donning a vintage garment that the armholes are cut much higher than you are used to? A higher armhole gives a much better and more defined fit through the bustline and sleeve. In the 70's, as clothing manufacture was streamlined, clothing became less expensive, and knits were used more frequently, designers sacrificed fit for speed and lower cost. Tops became looser and more square shaped, many loosing the bust darts altogether.

1980's Dress with no Bust Shaping

But, I digress. Back to the gorgeous 1950's Gigi Young dress shown at the top of the page. The armholes are cut quite high and the bodice is shaped with two princess seams and darts. How can the dress be comfortable with all those seams bunched up under the arm? The solution is a gusset.

A gusset is a diamond shaped piece of fabric inserted into a slit in the underarm to provide ease , relieve strain, and add comfort for the wearer. They are usually cut on the bias to provide maximum ease of movement. Inserting a gusset into an underarm involves great skill and accurate stitching of a bias seam onto a straight one so the corners match and the gusset lays flat. You just don't see this attention to detail in modern garments...one more reason why I love vintage clothing!

See this dress and more at Couture Allure Vintage Fashion .

Like A Pinch On The Neck Of Mr. Spock

Whatever

Yeah, the Astros have won six straight. Yeah, the little things are turning their way. Yeah, the big three look as dominant as ever. Yeah, Brad Lidge has pitched much better. Yeah, the Reds are falling apart. Yeah, Art Howe is undefeated since he’s been on Fox Sports. Yeah, the Peanut Dude’s mechanics adjustment is paying off. Yeah, Roy and Drayton have made up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They beat on a last place Pirates team and then one of the worst road teams in baseball. The Mets are in town. Let’s see what you’re made of…

--Good luck Brandon. If anybody is going to come back better than ever after a surgery like that’s it’s going to be you.

--Roger Clemens has just 8 wins and 9 no-decisions in the 17 games he’s pitched for Houston in which he didn’t allow a run.

--Note to Jason Lane: Having “Laffy Taffy” blare on the speakers as you step to the plate is no longer cool or funny or whatever it was supposed to be.

--The ‘Stros went 17-12 in August and let’s look at the numbers…Minimum 15 at-bats who led the team in batting average. Not Willy Taveras (.328). Not Luke Scott (.389). It would be Andy Pettitte who hit .412 (7-17). Aubrey Huff led the boys with 23 RBIs. Chris Burke bounced back from a rough July to hit .328. The Big Puma hit just .267. Morgan Ensberg- .209. Craig Biggio- .193. As a team they scored as many runs as the Reds and had a higher batting average. They had the second best ERA behind only the Dodgers. Dan Wheeler nearly had a 0.00 ERA for the month, but Prince Fielder took him deep. Fernando Nieve and Trever Miller had ERAs of 1.00 and 1.04 respectively. Andy Pettitte was 4-2 with an ERA better (2.27) than that of even Roger Clemens (2.54).

--Houston is 44-11 when it outhits its opponent.

--It’s on for the coveted top spot in the category of grounded into double plays. Brad Ausmus is tied for 2nd in the NL with 20. Preston Wilson is right behind with 19.

--Add the intentional walks handed to Ryan Howard to the ones given to Lance Berkman and you still don’t have as many as Barry Bonds has been given this season.

--Five of Greg Maddux’s 12 wins have come against the Reds.

--For a coke: Who has more doubles than any other player since 2004? Hint: American League. East Division. Toronto. First Baseman. First name Lyle, last name Overbay.

--The Boston Astros scored a whopping 19 run total on their just completed 9-game roadie.

Bits O’ Pigskin

I did not attend much less watch that final Texans preseason game. What was the point?

--Very fitting that Raiders safety Jarrod Cooper who is from Pearland is having a contest giving a $1000 to the person with the best Raider related tattoo. "Yeah, I'm serious. I want to see what's out there. I saw one guy with 50 cheerleader heads on his arm, like portraits. I'm not exactly sure what he's got going on."

--The Redskins went 0-4 in the silly season and were outscored 104-27.

--Chris Simms and Kyle Shanahan do not actually have each other’s initials tattoed on their lower legs. Do they?

--Ronaldhino has Brazilian ping pong. Neil Rackers has whatever he wants to call this.

--On my Madden 07 team I drafted Greg Jones and he’s a beast. I was even thinking of taking him late in a fantasy draft until we were in the 5th round and we watched him go down in that preseason game last Saturday. Jones’ season is over, but let’s take a look at two of his better runs in college. First against North Carolina. Now Greg Jones introduces himself to Sean Taylor.
Wow.

Quick Hitters and Random Thoughts

--It’s damn near 5 in the morning and the United States of America just lost to Greece. Greece! The worst part is we lost to the better team. It was as simple as that. I never wanted to believe the world had ever caught up to us and that it was only bad coaching or bad attitudes or bad players, but it’s not. The world has caught up to us and some of it has passed us. Yeah, if we had Kobe and we had Tim Duncan things may have been different. I don’t care. This is the team we had and it had plenty of talent, but it wasn’t a “team.” It’s as simple as that. Thank you to the guys who chose to try out and represent this country. The next Olympics are ours.

--Oh yeah, silver lining: Spanoulis is the s****!!!

--I’m big on CSI reruns, but probably won’t catch Kevin Federline when he does an episode next season. But what’s this about Federline doing three episodes of Entourage?! C’mon guys, he’s an annoying, child-neglecting pest that we need to see less of unless he’s humiliating himself on national television at a Teen Choice Awards. You’re better than this, but I guess if you’ll fire Ari then anything is possible. Note to Netflix: If I send a request for Aquaman or Queens Boulevard (black and white, of course) then that’s what I want to see! Don’t tell me these things don’t exist, television does not lie!!
Call James Cameron a liar again!
--The King is creepy, but this is great.

--I didn’t watch, but evidently my boy Chris Jericho was the first booted off of Celebrity Duets. I’ll change to Alfonso Ribeiro/Carlton Banks/Alfonso Spears if you go back to the Silver Spoons days.
The betting favorite for Dancing With The Stars is Slater at 3 to 1. Vivica A. Fox is 4-1. Emmitt Smith is 15-1. The longest shot on the board is Jerry Springer. Now you know.

--Jessica Simpson and John Mayer?! Paris Hilton and Lance Armstrong?! Adam Goldberg and Christina Ricci together again?! George Clooney and Ellen Barkin?!

--What the?!

--The BBC ran a poll of the best albums of all-time that hit # 1 on the British charts. You’ll never guess, but there are four Beatles albums in the top 10. Sgt. Peppers at the top spot, Revolver at 6, Abbey Road at 8 and my personal favorite The White Album at 10. # 2 on the list was Thriller followed by The Joshua Tree.

--More music polls…Spin came out with a list of the top 25 live bands. At 23 we find AFI. Then a bunch of acts I’ve never heard of until The Roots at 17 (note to self get new Roots CD). The Flaming Lips at 16. At 13 My Chemical Romance. The man, the myth, the Prince at 9. Green Day at 7. At 6 The White Stripes who I’ve unfortunately never seen live though I have to imagine The Raconteurs show here on September 14th is going to be pretty damn strong. Radiohead at 5 and I will see them before I die. Red Hot Chili Peppers at 4, if you say so. Arcade Fire at 3 with The Stooges at 2. At number 1 and the easiest selection in the world

U (f’n) 2!! I swear their shows only get better and better.

--Sixteen years ago this week Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em went multi platinum.

--Who doesn’t love watching know-it-alls, much less hideous, loony, know-it-alls get theirs?

--Wow, last week it was Wolf Blitzer getting “Howard Sterned” and this week it’s CNN going Naked Gun on us with a live microphone in the ladies’ room airing that conversation while some guy named President George something or other is making a Katrina speech live. It’s about time CNN started becoming more entertaining. I wonder how sister-in-law feels about this classic line:
“Yeah. He’s married, three kids, but his wife is just a control freak.”

--Shakira should have won every VMA category she was in. There should probably be a Best Shakira Video category as well. Kelly Clarkson Best Female Video?! Over Shakira and Christina Aguilera?! Everything I said about Shakira same for Beyonce. Jack Black’s opening bit was nice, but it was pretty much downhill after that. Probably shouldn’t have cut the hair Jessica.

--What a fight on this week’s Contender with my boy Steve Forbes just surviving against Nick Acevedo.

Questions, comments or if you want to all get each other’s initials tattooed on our lower legs (men only, of course)…